Disclaimer: This post is rambling, if you’re not up for it, give up now.
When I was younger, the character Spock from Star Trek was a hero to me. He had superior intelligence, superior strength, and something like psychic powers. I knew I was smart, but I lacked a sense of personal vision, and I had absolutely NO wisdom. I envied his direction through life. I am still the same person I was, with the same self-irritating lackings. When I was younger, I wasn’t very strong physically. I was a scrawny kid, taller than average, and lighter than average. There were bullies. I survived by my wits and my strong sense of self-preservation.
Looking back, I was an idiot. Looking in the mirror, still an idiot, just old.
I also admired the way he treated humans. He was gentle unless force was called for. He was soft spoken (except in that awful pilot episode). He was a team player who demonstrated support for his fellow team mates and respect for authority or rank. He never lied. And, he controlled his emotions, except in a few awful episodes.
When I was younger, after I was told how weird, weak, and worthless I was by bullies for the umpteenth time, I looked in that mirror, and I was indeed, weird, weak and worthless. I had experienced depression before, and the bullies triggered it again and again. Fuckers. I wanted to be more, and better, but I didn’t know how. I still don’t know how.
I thought getting a college degree would help, but fucked if I could find a career I liked in the field. I missed, because I decided wrong going into college. It was a coin flip, I gambled, and lost. I went back to college and in a different direction, and fucked if I could find a career in the second field I chose to pursue. I’m old, I’m fucked, and I never figured out a way to get unfucked.
I have grown, though. While I still appreciate the gentle strength of Spock, more lately I envy the character Gary Mitchell (“Where No Man Has Gone Before”). Hilariously disrespectful, he even put an “R” on Kirk’s gravestone instead of “T” for Tiberius. And then the plot leaves him supposedly dead in the grave intended for Kirk, as if he wasn’t quite powerful enough to move the rocks like he tossed aside Kirk’s phaser rifle. I couldn’t stand that he turned just evil, but I also couldn’t stand that they just presumed he was dead and didn’t pursue that further. I mean, if he could force-move the mountain to fall onto the top of the grave, if he could force-dig a perfect grave by just disappearing the dirt, then certainly he could force disappear the rocks over his head, or just make himself walk through as floating, or appear above, the dirt. I hear you. “Suspend your disbelief, Deon.” Well I can’t. I don’t want to. Gary let those people go because they were beneath him and not worth the effort.
Just like my aspirations of lottery-winner status, I have a plan. If imbued with large sums of cash, I plan to fix my own situation and then see about helping others. I’ve got quite a lot to fix about myself, which is why I’m hoping for a large jackpot. I don’t usually bother with buying a ticket for the prizes under $200M. Somehow I have it in my head that that is the magical barrier to life-changing cash. But if imbued with incredible cosmic powers I don’t plan to live in a damned oil lamp for sure. Nor a box made of rocks.
If given incredible cosmic cash flow, there are a few people I’ve thought seriously about telling honestly how I felt about their lack of value to the human race. A guy who lied and cheated me out of what would then be petty cash, but why bother then? The companies I worked for who paid so woefully inadequately, but again, why bother then? It’s not like they’d change. Fuck that, it’s a waste of time. It’s more worthwhile and personally rewarding to fix my shit and then help other people with their shit in SPITE of monsters like these ass holes. In fact, TO spite those monsters
If given powers, I would have to really hold them back not to end certain people when they irritated me. After all, one swats mosquitoes, doesn’t one? With limited powers, (like a cash prize under $200M) I’d be like the pre-reformed Hancock Except, why bother fixing a beached whale’s problems? Why bother stopping a train? If I could fly over traffic, why help? People need to figure out they are supposed to be considerate on their own, which is why God gave us a free will and doesn’t force us to help others. If I could Hancock, but felt that humanity was basically all a bunch of morons, it might be too depressing to bother to intervene. If I could Gary Mitchell, though (which is like the cash prize of $200M or above), then I might be having some fun.
I loved Spock. Given his powers, he set the standard for what I aspired to in my life: helpful, team player, respectful of rank, humble, strong enough to fix it if strength was called for, smart enough to figure out anything else, basically merciful, and in control of his emotions. I grew up appreciating those values in spite of the many and varied villains-in-real-life.
On days when I feel more normal, I’m fine. On days when I’m depressed it would be nice to just be in control of my emotions. But if even Spock struggled, I am fucked.
Unless there’s a cosmic field I can walk through. I wonder if Gary was depressed after his old friend tried to kill him and maroon him, and maybe that’s why he just stayed in the hole.
I wonder what sum of money it would take for me to become sick of money. I would like to learn the exact number. The only lesson I have learned about money in my life thus far is that never having enough to pay bills and live an ordinary, average, American (U.S.) life, sucks dirt. I’ve said it before, and until I’m put to the test, I’ll say it again: I’m ready for the test of excess.
Wonder if I’d just go on a bender to end all Benders, or if I could actually do what I daydream of doing with the requisite levels of self control and moderation, even though I’d be free to have that bender…
Alas, Spock is dead. I suppose when one hero dies, if you go in for such things, a new hero will be selected. Gary Mitchell’s looking pretty good. If I had that kind of powers, I’d probably still be an idiot. I wonder if I’d still have depressive episodes. I wonder if the trigger would be stupid humans.
The best thing to do with excess money may well be to go incognito. Wonder if anyone would figure it out. If Gary Mitchell is dead he was far more puny than he let on. I need a hero who doesn’t die.