With any and all sarcasm and the harshest of criticisms directed squarely at myself, I, Deon Mumple, pestered another blogger until she graciously nominated me for a writing award. Fuck me, I really am annoying. She was my first, and she was most gentle about it. My award is the prestigious and pretentious “’Encouraging Thunder Award,’ which exists either to promote flatulence, or to make Thor feel better about himself,” bestowed by fellow blogger, talented writer and all around beautiful person blahpolar who writes from her royal throne at https://bipolardyke.wordpress.com. If she hadn’t nominated me I’d have done 2 things: 1) gone about my business as usual, or 2) nominated her if someone else gave me permission to nominate her, but I now have a third, and more nefarious scheme in mind for her…
I’ve been warned before about these awards. There are requirements, at least one of which I cannot wait to fulfill. It might not thrill the presenter, but I mean to hold her to this, and I do mean “hold her.” She knows what she said. It excites me that she has required the task, and it shall be my mission in life henceforth, now and until I fulfill it and the rest of the requisite Herculean Labours. But I really hope it’s exciting for her as well, because after all I do have a starving ego to feed. Plus, I bet she’s hot. I’m a bit nervous about it I confess, because when you go trying to feed a starving ego you need people to affirm your lust for …ego…food, and not tell you to “Kindly do me the honor to fuck off and die, you pathetic loser ass hole.”
What you can do with the Encouraging Thunder award:
Post it on your blog
Grant other bloggers the award.
What you can’t do with the Encouraging Thunder award:
Abuse or misuse the logo
Claim that it’s your own handmade logo.
What you should do after receiving the Encouraging Thunder award: (squeal with delight, phone all friends, drink champagne from a lesbian)
Enjoy the award. (exploit groupies scandalously)
At least give thanks via comments and likes and/or mention the blogger who gave you the award.
Mention your purpose in blogging.
Give them all love by visiting their blogs and showing some appreciation.
P.S. You do not have to accept the award. It is entirely up to you. At least this one doesn’t have a ton of questions to answer and none to make up.
Is this how a person is supposed to accept a blogging award? It seemed right somehow. I’ll squeal with delight just as soon as I drink my champagne from a lesbian, I’m choosing to receive that from my presenter according to her already prescribed method: by osculation, such a lovely thing. And maybe she’ll squeal too.
What’s my purpose in blogging? What’s anyone’s purpose in life? I want to get rich, bitches! But I want to do it my way, so please, all you success bloggers who made your millions already and you want to sell me your secrets in three easy lessons with three easy payments, shut the hell up and keep it to yourselves.
I like to write. I want to write for fun in a realm where no one knows a damn thing about me, and you can’t find me because I’m hiding in my bunker.
I also needed an emotional outlet where I could love and encourage smart people and hate and discourage fucking idiots.
* Smart people: people who think, people who are still learning, people
who know they don’t have all the answers and are willing to search dil-
igently for them and not lord their existing knowledge over other people, etc.
People who are logical enough to follow a thread of reasoning, either to its’
illogical, frayed ends, or its’ solid spool of truth.
**Fucking idiots: criminals, child abusers, spouse/partner abusers, evil dick-
tators, rapists (yeah, you get your own category, you and the abusers), pigs,
thugs, wanna-be’s, plagiarists, people who don’t think, people who assume
they know more than I do and who won’t listen to reasonable dialogue. I
recognize them because I used to be a fucking idiot. Sometimes I still am.
But at least I’m trying to listen.
Shut up, I’m trying to think! Wait, am I encouraging my own thunder or discouraging it? Maybe a little of both. I need to work this out, give me a minute, bitches! (I use the term to refer to all sentient genders, both galactic and intergalactic, so unless you understand it’s intended as chummy, shut up. If you dare to be offended, fuck off and find another blog to read, there are some really fucking good ones out there that I swear are better than mine. Troll those guys; they like that shit.) And, as I always try to express myself in the most genteel of manners, it’s likely no one would notice, but my purpose also involves emotional venting and also attempting to be funny and chummy, by the use of angry, or friendly, occasionally rare or generally prolific swearing when I feel like it. I also want to encourage good writers to keep writing, and encourage average and poor writers to get better at writing, which means they have to keep practicing. I’ll be the judge of your writing, trust me, but also trust me to keep my damn mouth shut about it if I don’t like it. Nobody, especially me, likes a fucking critic.
Nominees? I haven’t blogged very long so I don’t really have a following as obnoxious as myself. Hmmm. I’ll figure out how to put the picture in here and then pick people. There, I think I got that right. I promise I’m not checking out your fine asses as the basis for nomination. Although I’m sure they are fine. Honest. I’m married, and my wife’s ass is the only one I really want. to. check. out. VERY FREQUENTLY. In fact, can I just stay home with my wife today? Because, DAAAAAMMMNNN, she’s awesome. But I think osculatory champagne served from a fine vessel can’t be passed up. It may be immoral, but it’s an immoral imperative. Sorry hon, don’t be jealous, it’s all about the experience. How many times in one’s life does one get that kind of opportunity?
OK, Distracted there, back to my top 5 nominees, who are:
Du, Du, (how did I discover Swedish blogs over here across the pond?), You, (because … Laughing Dragon! and because you’re following me!), You, You, and You. Yeah I know, more than 5, who can stop when there are so many more good blogs out there. I’m just excited to feel like I’m a part of the community, especially since I got an award! And, You. And You. Oh, who am I kidding, I might just love ALL of you. Don’t get big-headed, even you nominees- I also might hate you and just be keeping my opinion to myself.
Did she really say I had a fine ass? Let me reread the comment thread on https://bipolardyke.wordpress.com/2015/04/29/the-discouraging-blunder-reward/ again. Daaaammmnnnnn! I’m ready for that champagne now! Let the celebration commence! Can I have another sip? Leave the bottle!
Do my links generate a pingback, or do I have to do something differently to tell these people I like them… or not? Please let me know if I did it wrong, but I hope this worked. As I said, I’m new to this! Thank you for your gentleness since it was my first time; it’s been a wonderful experience. Garçon? (I mean “wait-person,” not “boy!” so step off if you stepped on.) Garçon! Another bottle of champagne, please?