If I had my dream job, I’d have had it for years by now, it’d pay handsomely, and it would use my education in ways that helped and encouraged others. I wouldn’t have been burned by previous employers, employment-related contacts, or others, and I’d be able to trust people.
I blame myself. I didn’t know I wanted my dream job. I trusted the wrong people in my so-called career trajectory. I got involved in situations where other people had hidden agendas, didn’t like my style, or didn’t understand, or trust, that I was only interested in helping out.
I’m truly annoyed more than anything at the loss of time. Had I any wisdom or understanding of the nature of people, I might have seen through the lies and fake smiles. At one church, even putting it in writing wasn’t enough. And I was a volunteer there.
Sad. I’ve surrendered. It’s pointless to look for the dream job; I have to settle for some pathetic secondary (, or are they tertiary?) chances at success. And we’ll all see when or if that ever happens.
Describe an item you were incredibly attached to as a youth. What became of it?
I thought I was normal. Then I found out I was special. Then I found out bullies don’t like “special.” Then I tried to find people who made me feel safe, if not normal. In high school I found some, in college a few. In seminary, a few. But none have stuck with me, except Mrs. M., and that’s hard to decipher.
I have very few people I’d call friends, and even they are at a distance. It’s not them, it’s me. I have a hard time letting people get too close.
Is it really realistic for me to trust anyone, having been deceived by employers, betrayed by associates, and abandoned by friends? Did I abandon them, or did they abandon me? Did I allow the deception and betrayal by not being cautious enough? Who can I trust? Who should I trust going forward? I used to be so trusting, so hopeful. Translated: gullible. I wish I still felt hopeful, even though I have parted with being trusting.
Any more? My theme song is “get it in writing.” Which is why, possibly, I’m not presently employed. Do I deserve the special treatment, the sense of entitlement to, an honest job offer? I’ve been lied to by the previous 2 employers, pushed out of ministry by the previous 2 senior pastors as “our ministry styles clashed,” (slang for “events I scheduled actually helped the church grow,”), abandoned or neglected by “friends,” and hey, surprise: I have trust issues.
The new reality for me is depression and anxiety. The new “normal” for me is medication. Doc is nice enough, but tinkering with my brain isn’t something I was prepared for. Losing dad wasn’t something I was prepared for. Losing my job of 14 years wasn’t something I was prepared for. And so on. I’m bored with my stay at home life, but not so bored as to want to go out. What I want is what I wanted when I was still employed: financial freedom. Not freedom fromfinances. Freedom from finances is the terrifying new reality.
It’s been a year, and Mrs. M. is carrying us, doing a hell of a job, but it can’t last. Can it? I need a job, not just a job but something I can retire from. My previous retirement account hasn’t become what I expected when I signed up for it. I guess no one is doing well, except the already rich, and whomever wins the lottery. Which reminds me- I have to people tomorrow to buy my ticket. Just one is enough.
I want a job, but winning the lottery would also be fine as a new normal. If I win I can afford to volunteer again. If not, well, it’s going to take some time and the right relationships, and a staff position? Sure, with the details in [deleted] writing.
Taking my sanity for granted? I used to. But life is crazy right now, so God help me and these medications to both work.
5 Depression can fuck right off. However, most of my depression is circumstantial. Weirdly, the rest is cyclical, so I’m medicated fwiw. I think suicide is about the saddest thing ever, so don’t worry, you won’t be rid of me that easy. If you want to die, wait with the rest of us, please. Call for help.
4 Being unemployed is a blessing in a curse. Or a curse in a blessing. Either way, I’m still looking for a good job. It’s exhausting.
3 Unrequited love. It’s exhausting, too. I said “I do,” and she did too, but I never promised perfection. Unfortunately I’ve failed at being perfect enough to be disappointing, but not enough to dispell the expectation.
2 My hip has started to hurt. I don’t know if it’s an old injury, or something that comes with old age. Either way my hip pain can fuck off. One of my sisters had hip replacement last year and is still having trouble getting around, so let’s not jump to that conclusion too fast.
1 Feeling ignored, unappreciated and/or taken for granted. It sucks when I try, and it makes no difference. It sucks when I don’t try, only worse.
I hope our dreams come true and our worries evaporate in the new year. We all need this one to be happy.
nombredelapluma 