Top Ten Reasons You Should NEVER Feature Me On Your Blog

10.  It’s YOUR blog.  You’re brilliant. Why would you want to put anyone else’s stuff on YOUR brilliant blog, and detract from the glory that is you?
9.  You’ve got better ideas and more creativity in your 10 little fingers than I have in my entire house.  Why would you want MY lame ideas to distract from your great ones?
8.  I fucking swear.  Who wants that shit on their blog?  It’s offensive and vulgar.
7.  Sometimes I put evangelistic messages on my blog.  If that doesn’t scare the shit out of you, or better, scare the hell out of you, it should.
6.  I lack focus, switching between complaining about my life, to bad poetry, to daydreams and wishes, to reflections on the news, to confusing things that make no sense, to other weirdness, and back to bitching and moaning about how much my life sucks and various ideas I have that might make it better.  Sunday the speaker at our church told us all that whatever various ideas I might have, if I had them, they wouldn’t make it any better, I’d just have other things to bitch and moan about.  He didn’t say “bitch and moan”.  It just doesn’t have a central theme.  A good blogger, like a good comedian or  writer or anything else should have focus, not ramble on and on and on about nonsense that no one cares about or has time to read thoroughly.  I mean, if you’re full of bullshit, you don’t get featured on other people’s blogs, and clearly, I’m full of bullshit and have nothing worthwhile to say.
5.  I’ll sometimes take a year to get back to you on the comments.  Seriously.  A year. I’m not kidding.  Sometimes I won’t.  At all.  Seriously, I’ll allow the comment to stand on the blog and then NEVER get back to you.  I’d like to say it’s WordPresses fault sometimes.  The like button, the other things, they don’t always work.  But no.  It’s operator error or ignorance, and I’m sure it’s the latter.  I mean, I don’t always have the time to read other people’s blogs, or even comment to them about how good they write, how much I appreciate them, their subject matter, their brilliance, or how important it is that their message get out to the world.  I follow slowly, I respond slowerly, and I invent words when it fits the prodispaciche jareschermolsetch.  Google THAT!
3. I’m a straight, married, middle-aged, white, male, Christ-follower, underpaid, shitty blogger who washes dishes, vacuums, mops, likes to go fishing on his day off, and used to change diapers, and flirts with all of you hot sexy bloggers.  You THINK you live mundane lives, with life problems you decompress from by writing your blogs and you THINK this means your writing isn’t very good which is why you might think you should feature someone like me on your blog, but look at the list of character traits I put up there at the beginning of #3.  All those mean I’m clearly a narrow minded, ignorant, arrogant, racist, sexist, misogynistic, wimpy, hack, shitty writer.
2.  I don’t keep up with current trends, have a smart cell phone, dress fashionably, or even TRY to act like the popular kids.  I’m not on various social medias, I barely use twitter or whatever is the newer hotter one, I’m not on Fakebook at all, and what’s worse, I don’t play Pokemon Go.  I mean FFS, what’s NOT wrong with me?
1.  My blog sucks.  Why do you read it anyway?
0.  I don’t always  do top 10 lists, but when I do, I routinely have more than 10 things on my lists.  That’s got to be the dumbest thing to do, right?
-1.  Other bloggers write so much better than me, I mean, take ANY of the blogs I have on the right side of my articles, and they’d be worth featuring.  Seriously.  Anybody else.
-2.  I don’t write every day.  Sometimes I take a day or two off, and don’t even bother to write a scheduled post.  I mean, if I were a  really GOOD blogger I would at least do that out of respect for anyone who followed my blog.
-3.  You don’t have my permission, for “any rebroadcast, retransmission, or account of this [blog,] without the express written consent of the” MLB, the NBA, the NFL, the AFL, the CIO, the FBI, the CIA, any of the other many-lettered organizations, me, or my mum, which “is strictly prohibited.”  Unless I grant it, which might take a year or might never happen, which means whatever I write will be irrelevant by the time you obtain said written permission, not that it’s relevant the instant I write it.  However, you do have my express written permission to like what I write, in spite of how shitty it is, and to copy a link for your readers to click on to get to my blog.  Good luck getting the express written consent of any of those other parties.
-4.  I’ve just attracted the attention, likely negative, of those organizations, and if you ever reblogged any of my shit, they’d be onto you too.  Oh, fuck, now I have to hide another seven years in my bunker until they’re off my trail.  Send alcohol and various meats.  Please.  A ribeye steak would be nice, and a bottle of pinot noir.  And tomorrow, and tomorrow’s tomorrow, tomorrow, please send vodka, scotch, and rum.
-5.  There’s a right method to encourage people to follow your blog, which generally involves writing your stuff, making it good stuff, and using the categories and tags judiciously and in ways to appeal to readers.  I don’t follow this method, which is another reason to see #1.  And to not repost this shit to your blog.  You can do it right.  You can do it better.  So do that and your blog will ALWAYS be a reflection of your own awesomeness.  I  looked in the mirror today and you wouldn’t believe how awful it looked to me.  OMFSM, AWFUL.  Look away.  Your own reflection, like your own writing, is better than mine.
-6.  I lie.  I mean, in one sentence I tell you that  I’m boring and I look like hell, but in truth I’m the sexiest, most interesting man alive.  So who can believe anything I ever say?