Black Cats, Blue Seas, Dirty Knees…

So the ever beautiful Spanglish Jill nominated me for an award here.  I like awards, but I don’t really know what to do with them.  So I’ll say a heartfelt “thank you!” to Jill and pass it on, but “before we go any further, do you love me?  Will you love me forever?  I gotta know right now!”

I haven’t figured out how to display them (awards), which should tell would-be nominators the low skill level of my blogging abilities.  I mean, Jill clearly deserves awards and if I were to receive one she hadn’t already gotten, she would be an obvious choice to nominate.

The award is the Black Cat Blue Sea award, which I didn’t really understand, so I looked it up and found this recipient, who clearly deserved it and knows how to handle this kind of adulation.  Last time I looked I had 245 or 6 followers, most of whom have probably already realized the error of their ways and repented of following, they just haven’t been prompt about clicking to un-follow yet, for which I’m grateful, because inflated numbers are still numbers.   If they haven’t repented or unfollowed and it was on purpose, well, some sins cling to your soul, don’t they?  And some people are just gluttons for punishment and you all know gluttony is supposed to be one of the seven deadly sins.  So, speaking of repentance…  That’s right, reading my blog may not JUST be dangerous to your health, but also to your mortal sssooouuuullllllllll!!!!!!!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You:  Can I get into heaven?
St. Pete:  Um, you followed, and even liked, Deon’s blog, didn’t you?
You:  Well, just a little, maybe.
St. Pete:  He wasn’t very good.  Quite the opposite, he was kind of evil.  He complained a lot, blamed God for his troubles, never could figure out how to fix it for himself.  Naahhht good.  How do you get into heaven by following someone evil?
You:  …

In my defense, I do pray for other people.  I’ve just given up on hoping my prayers for me would be answered.  I ask for the wrong things, apparently.  I’m not really double minded about it, I just think I know what I need, and apparently, it’s not what I need.  And not knowing and asking anyway and then getting “no,” frustrates me like a three year old at the candy aisle at Wal Mart.  I could go off about James 4:3, and my motives and my specific requests, but it’s pointless.

I’m stealing from the lovely and talented Blessing Iyamadiken again here because she had the cool stuff on her blog with the details about the award in a polished, easy to understand, format:

image
Blessing borrowed from another blogger, presumingly the one who nominated her, rather more worthy, award, who provided this clear description of the intent:

“This award is for bloggers who strive to write for everybody, and no matter how many viewers they get, make an impact on a reader. This award is an expression of gratitude to the nominee. It should be awarded to anybody that you choose deserves it and it doesn’t mean that they must have hundreds of followers and likes.”– Ella

We’ll work backward here- firstly I do have hundreds of (albeit misguided) followers, disqualified, check.  Secondly, my gratitude is to the one who nominated ME, because she still holds out hope and hands out encouragement.  You have to admire HER for that.  I hand out encouragement but when I reread my writing, I think to myself about how dubious that encouragement must be for the receivers, and I just have to apologize.  And as for making an impact, well, how does one measure that in any kind of quantitative way?  And finally, writing for everyone?  I write for myself, and anyone crazy enough can look on while I face the dismal darkness, bitterness and rage of doom, brokenness and failure.

This is what I mean about Jill.  She has clearly ignored the technical qualifications and gone ahead and done it anyway.  And that independent spirit is another of her admirable traits.

I do have questions and I do have nominees, we’ll get back to it if I don’t get derailed off my train of thought.  I’m supposed to answer her questions first.  Holy Cannoli, the concentration required for today…

Her Questions:

  1. What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard lately?
  2. If you had all the time and money in the world, what would be the thing, food, music, place and/or people who would make you the happiest?

3.What’s the best advice you’ve ever received and what’s the most helpful advice you’ve ever given?

Damned automatic formatting WORDPRESS.  Let me do it my way!  Wordpress requires a skill level I’ve failed to demonstrate, or, a similar way of granting my requests as my Deity of choice.  I get either “no,” or “yes, but not the way you want it.”  By the time I get my $500 million dollars, I’ll need it just to stay afloat and I won’t be able to use it to help anyone else.  Or I’ll be dead.

1) What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard lately?  My son, when I told him to “say it in French,” said “It in French.”  To which I responded:

He learned his sense of humour from his dad.  NOOOOOOO!!!!  And although I was out of my mask, he totally got MY reference too.

2) If you had all the time and money in the world, what would be the thing, food, music, place and/or people who would make you the happiest?

Hmmm.  That’s a good question.  Thing(s):  Being able to fix the broken things in my life and moving on toward being able to help other people I know are in worse financial straits.   And, finishing a few novels. Food:  Today, I’m craving either fried chicken, potatoes and gravy, or chicken fried steak.  And gravy.  We’ll probably have leftovers, or some pasta thing.  Holy Cannoli?  More like mac and cheese from a box. I like a nice big ribeye steak sometimes, or a good pork chop.  Deep fried turkey.  Hungry yet?  Music:  I like a LOT of music, so I’ll just answer YES.  Money no object, I’d buy a few instruments and lessons to learn to play them all well.  A violin, obviously.  Less obvious:  Bagpipes.  Place:  I like the bunker, it’s safe enough if I can stay in there.  Or North Carolina, I envision a mountain cabin by a well-stocked lake, where I can raise a few chickens.  Her name’s Little Fry, his name is Fry Daddy, the baby is Small Fry.  Sense a trend?  I like eggs too.  People:  Mrs. M, the kids, the extended family, a few close friends, and you.  Come on over to the bunker, we’ll figure something out.

3) What’s the best advice you’ve ever received and what’s the most helpful advice you’ve ever given?  Received:  In high school someone told me I was a decent writer, so who knows where I’d be if I had paid attention.  I do know it’s something I enjoy, if the money would follow that would be great.  But people hiring writers are looking for people with journalism skills, not to mention degrees, and I didn’t get a degree in English, I got it in Math, which as you can tell has prepared me for all of life’s contingencies and emergencies because I clearly handle them all so well.  Given:  I told a guy to marry a girl, and as I was also friends with the girl told her to marry him.  They eloped and are still married a year or two longer than me.  The two of them are quite happy.  My family practically took bets at the altar about how short they figured Mrs M and I would last.  But all I want is Mrs. M.  I ignored the bad advice and married her anyway.  I only wonder about it some of the time.  Sure I could have married for money, but I didn’t know about Mariah Carey or Haley Atwell or J.K. Rowling back then, because no one bothered to introduce us. Think back 30 years and claim the blame, readers, because it’s somehow YOUR fault, even though you may have never met any of them.

OH KAY, enough of that.  ON TO THE NOMINEES!

These nominees are phenomenal, enjoyable, brilliant bloggers and if I had more than seven to choose I would choose a lot of bloggers that I follow, I am not not nominating your blog on purpose but only because the requirement is seven.  You want to follow these and a bunch of other bloggers I follow, they’re right there to your right.  Go ahead, follow any one of my blogging people there and I will personally guarantee you won’t be as disappointed by their blogs as you may be with mine.  If you’re not a nominee and you’re on my list to the right, well, consider yourself a winner as long as you ping me back on your response to being a winner ex officio  I’ve won with my discovery of each of your blogs, specifically chosen or not.

If you don’t do awards, there’s no obligation. I’m just sharing the love, so tough shit, you won and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it because I’m not taking it back.

Now, you should know that I follow a lot of bloggers, because to me they’re all top notch.  I know also that I’m missing out on some quality reading material because I haven’t discovered them yet and/or because there’s only so much time in a day.  So, these nominees, in their trees, above the high seas, healed from disease, eating their cheese….  WTF just happened….  The nominees are:

Ben- you know what to do.  Accept the bitterness, just fucking deal with it, write out all your frustrations, and move on.  I had to, so now, so do you.  Mwaaahahahahahahaaaa.
Jessica-you know what to do.  In your own magical, lyrical, so very beautiful way, be yourself. Go.
Kelly- you know what to do.  If this can be a quick break from responsibility, and you have a minute to take it, take the break, vacate and enjoy the exercise.
Lize-you know what to do.  And yes, haiku/ is beautiful/ if you can say it all/ in  17 syllables.  Or do two.  /Haiku. /Or try something different and new./I have faith in you.
AbbieLu-you know what to do.  That’s already a poem, my work here is done, /and yours has just begun.
Marina-you know what to do.  There’s a part of you that I love, the part that you hold together through the shattering, bashing hammers of life.  Oh wait, that’s all of you.
Katie (IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME!)-you know what to do.  You are completely charming and fun. I haven’t heard much from you so I’m calling you out.  Be the real you and trust me with it.

And, because I’m rebellious and I can’t follow the rules, one (really 2) more!!

Conrad and Drew, or is it Drew and Conrad– you know what to do.  Get a good buzz on if you like, be top blokes and give ‘er a go.  (How can I lose?)  You can collaborate or each give a response.  Either way, should be fun (for me).

And now the questions(, should you choose to accept them.  This message will self destruct, if it hasn’t already done so, count yourself lucky):

1) If you could eat and drink anything you wanted, what would be your dream meal, from appetizer to dessert to beverage, and if you cook, your favorite recipe not involving shellfish.
2) A two parter and a challenge:  a) Where are you from, originally or now? and b) in your best regional dialect from there, write a poem of any form about me and you- if you have to, actually READ my blog (sorry, nominees), and then tell me how you feel, what you like and dislike, where you would take me to hear you read your poem, and what we would do on a day hanging out.  Poetry forms are something I think fun, so if you think you can’t, give it a try anyway and let me enjoy torturing you through the journey.  You can’t give back the award, so you just have to get through it and pass it on.  Don’t forget to do it in your regional dialect, that’s an important part of the challenge, and at least half of the fun.
3) If you could choose to become immortalized for doing or being something, brilliant or heinous, what would you do, and why would you do it?

I still don’t get what any of this has to do with black cats or blue seas or pink hearts, orange stars, yellow moons, green clovers, purple horseshoes, or red balloons.  But I do know that all of the bloggers I follow are like Frosted Lucky Charms to me, including these nominees and several more.  If I get nominated for any more awards there will be some different nominees, but I’m not holding my breath waiting for that.

I’ll let you sleep on it.

 

Encouraging Thunder Award? It’s My First Time, Be Gentle With Me!

With any and all sarcasm and the harshest of criticisms directed squarely at myself, I, Deon Mumple,  pestered another blogger until she graciously nominated me for a writing award.  Fuck me, I really am annoying.  She was my first, and she was most gentle about it.  My award is the prestigious and pretentious “’Encouraging Thunder Award,’ which exists either to promote flatulence, or to make Thor feel better about himself,” bestowed by fellow blogger, talented writer and all around beautiful person blahpolar who writes from her royal throne at https://bipolardyke.wordpress.com.  If she hadn’t nominated me I’d have done 2 things:  1) gone about my business as usual, or 2) nominated her if someone else gave me permission to nominate her, but I now have a third, and more nefarious scheme in mind for her…

I’ve been warned before about these awards.  There are requirements, at least one of which I cannot wait to fulfill.  It might not thrill the presenter, but I mean to hold her to this, and I do mean “hold her.”  She knows what she said.  It excites me that she has required the task, and it shall be my mission in life henceforth, now and until I fulfill it and the rest of the requisite Herculean Labours.  But I really hope it’s exciting for her as well, because after all I do have a starving ego to feed.  Plus, I bet she’s hot.  I’m a bit nervous about it I confess, because when you go trying to feed a starving ego you need people to affirm your lust for …ego…food, and not tell you to “Kindly do me the honor to fuck off and die, you pathetic loser ass hole.”

Featured image

What you can do with the Encouraging Thunder award:
Post it on your blog
Grant other bloggers the award.
What you can’t do with the Encouraging Thunder award:
Abuse or misuse the logo
Claim that it’s your own handmade logo.

What you should do after receiving the Encouraging Thunder award: (squeal with delight, phone all friends, drink champagne from a lesbian)

Enjoy the award. (exploit groupies scandalously)

At least give thanks via comments and likes and/or mention the blogger who gave you the award.

Mention your purpose in blogging.

Give them all love by visiting their blogs and showing some appreciation.

P.S. You do not have to accept the award. It is entirely up to you. At least this one doesn’t have a ton of questions to answer and none to make up.

Is this how a person is supposed to accept a blogging award?  It seemed right somehow.  I’ll squeal with delight just as soon as I drink my champagne from a lesbian, I’m choosing to receive that from my presenter according to her already prescribed method:  by osculation, such a lovely thing.  And maybe she’ll squeal too.

What’s my purpose in blogging?  What’s anyone’s purpose in life?  I want to get rich, bitches!  But I want to do it my way, so please, all you success bloggers who made your millions already and you want to sell me your secrets in three easy lessons with three easy payments, shut the hell up and keep it to yourselves.

I like to write.  I want to write for fun in a realm where no one knows a damn thing about me, and you can’t find me because I’m hiding in my bunker.

I also needed an emotional outlet where I could love and encourage smart people and hate and discourage fucking idiots.

* Smart people:  people who think, people who are still learning, people
who know they don’t have all the answers and are willing to search dil-
igently for them and not lord their existing knowledge over other people, etc.
People who are logical enough to follow a thread of reasoning, either to its’
illogical, frayed ends, or its’ solid spool of truth.
**Fucking idiots:  criminals, child abusers, spouse/partner abusers, evil dick-
tators, rapists (yeah, you get your own category, you and the abusers), pigs,
thugs, wanna-be’s, plagiarists, people who don’t think, people who assume
they know more than I do and who won’t listen to reasonable dialogue.  I
recognize them because I used to be a fucking idiot.  Sometimes I still am.
But at least I’m trying to listen.
And think.

Shut up, I’m trying to think!  Wait, am I encouraging my own thunder or discouraging it?  Maybe a little of both.  I need to work this out, give me a minute, bitches! (I use the term to refer to all sentient genders, both galactic and intergalactic, so unless you understand it’s intended as chummy, shut up.  If you dare to be offended, fuck off and find another blog to read, there are some really fucking good ones out there that I swear are better than mine.  Troll those guys; they like that shit.)  And, as I always try to express myself in the most genteel of manners, it’s likely no one would notice, but my purpose also involves emotional venting and also attempting to be funny and chummy, by the use of angry, or friendly, occasionally rare or generally prolific swearing when I feel like it.  I also want to encourage good writers to keep writing, and encourage average and poor writers to get better at writing, which means they have to keep practicing.  I’ll be the judge of your writing, trust me, but also trust me to keep my damn mouth shut about it if I don’t like it.  Nobody, especially me, likes a fucking critic.

Nominees?  I haven’t blogged very long so I don’t really have a following as obnoxious as myself.  Hmmm.  I’ll figure out how to put the picture in here and then pick people.  There, I think I got that right.  I promise I’m not checking out your fine asses as the basis for nomination.  Although I’m sure they are fine.  Honest.  I’m married, and my wife’s ass is the only one I really want.  to. check. out.  VERY FREQUENTLY.  In fact, can I just stay home with my wife today?  Because, DAAAAAMMMNNN,  she’s awesome.  But I think osculatory champagne served from a fine vessel can’t be passed up.  It may be immoral, but it’s an immoral imperative. Sorry hon, don’t be jealous, it’s all about the experience.  How many times in one’s life does one get that kind of opportunity?

OK, Distracted there, back to my top 5 nominees, who are:

Du, Du, (how did I discover Swedish blogs over here across the pond?), You, (because … Laughing Dragon! and because you’re following me!), You, You, and You.  Yeah I know, more than 5, who can stop when there are so many more good blogs out there.  I’m just excited to feel like I’m a part of the community, especially since I got an award!  And, You.  And You.  Oh, who am I kidding, I might just love ALL of you.  Don’t get big-headed, even you nominees- I also might hate you and just be keeping my opinion to myself.

Did she really say I had a fine ass?  Let me reread the comment thread on https://bipolardyke.wordpress.com/2015/04/29/the-discouraging-blunder-reward/ again. Daaaammmnnnnn!   I’m ready for that champagne now!  Let the celebration commence!  Can I have another sip?  Leave the bottle!

Do my links generate a pingback, or do I have to do something differently to tell these people I like them…  or not?  Please let me know if I did it wrong, but I hope this worked.  As I said, I’m new to this!  Thank you for your gentleness since it was my first time; it’s been a wonderful experience.  Garçon?  (I mean “wait-person,” not “boy!” so step off if you stepped on.)  Garçon! Another bottle of champagne, please?