OK, so sometime in the past several years, I have made 500 posts to this WordPress Blog, and they gave me a nice award and notice for it:
So this means one or more of the following 10 things:
10. I’ve put my faithful readers through 500 torturous experiences, after which for some reason said readers felt obligated to either a) say something encouraging because God knows I needed it, or b) mercifully not tell me my writing made said reader want to never venture onto the internet again for fear of seeing something worse;
9. I’ve wasted a boatload of time writing when I could have been a) reading or watching or something better, or letting my readers invest their time doing that, or b) accomplishing something of lasting impact and timeless value;
8. I’ve been “followed” by 330 fellow bloggers, and attracted an average of 3 comments per post, which means one out of every 110 of you had something nice to say and the rest of you refrained from open ridicule, thank you all SO much;
7. I’ve been writing slightly more than one article every two days since February 9, 2015 (sorry). 942 days, 500 articles/poems/bits of silliness/wastes of time/things to ignore/emails sent to readers to delete;
6. My inaugural post, full of as much hope as any first thing I have ever done, has been viewed 8 times, six or seven of which were by Deon Mumple. I started, I reached out, and the quest was begun;
5. Once or twice I might have actually been funny. At least made myself laugh. The mild mania makes me think I’m funnier than I really am, so thanks for going along with it and letting me have a moment;
4. Occasionally I’ve been really angry and I’ve been able to vent, at least talk about my feelings, why I feel them. I’ve also been really depressed sometimes, and even though I feel the hopelessness circling my throat, one or two encouraging souls have come alongside, just to be with me, which brings me to:
3. Despite my (mostly) true assertion that I hate everyone equally, just as I belong completely to Mrs. M in my tangible realms outside the bunker, once or twice I might have fallen deeply for another soul out there. Or three or four or five or so. I love you. I sometimes lurk, lying in wait, hoping to hear from you- a post, a comment, a response, an email… And I worry and pray for you when I think of you. Despite some people’s belief that a person can only fall in love with one, I believe when love is given, received and returned, it grows, and I’m cultivating a forest, my beautiful-souled friends, praying we all keep growing;
2. More than once, I’ve returned to walk in my forest and enjoy, and found that one has uprooted. All I have left are treasured memories of what we had, and tears. Tomorrow is World Suicide Prevention Day. I don’t want to be the one counted on to intervene; my internet activity is fickle, but if you need me I pray I’ll be here, or you’ll wait. All of our trees are beautiful. We hold each other, we hold each other up, and I need you. One tree supports several, and if one is gone, the rest start to lean. Please stay. I know it sucks. I know sometimes we feel like we’re crazy, or others try to tack that label on us, or worse labels (ass holes!), but I also know there’s a universe fucker out there hell bent on making us believe those lies, robbing us of the little joys we might treasure, stealing our sense of self-worth, killing our hope, and trying to destroy us. Don’t let the universe fucker talk that shit, through work, neighbors, church, family, strangers, or even the little voice in the back of your head. He wants us to give up and end everything, but all that leaves behind is a you-shaped hole that no one can ever refill, and a you-shaped painful wound that won’t heal. Please stay even though it might not get better, at least it’s better because you’re here to go through it with, and, there are moments of joy in the suffering and that’s what I hold out hope for in this life. You are a moment of joy for me. and I thank you.
1. Sometimes I’ve tried to share my faith in Jesus, and I appreciate the way other Christ-followers have either refrained from blasting me with judgements about how terrible I am- trust me, I already know I don’t follow very well. And I also appreciate how people who don’t follow Christ have refrained from calling out my hypocrisy or telling me I’m an idiot for having faith. I think my faith, and hope, have been the strongest reason I’m not part of your #2.
0. There will very likely be no improvements over the next 500 posts. Not apologizing, just telling the truth.