I don’t know if that’s the accelerator or the brake. But I know that the right words, or preferably, silence with the right actions, can motivate me to work my ass off. And I know that the wrong words, because nobody ever just shuts the hell up, can put me into escape mode. I’m already gone. I’m already done helping with whatever concerned you. The silent, unseen “fuck you” has already left my soul. It doesn’t need to be said, in language, sign, sigh, or any other physical reaction. I’d like to think it’s a private, psychic rocket ship, one that, most of the time, is far more efficient than any known technology.
Because of this, I think it’s an accelerator. Sometimes I wish it weren’t psychic, I wish it were real. It’s a rage rocket. Instead of flames, it would release sonic energy. “Impulse” power just goes, “Buhbye! Bye now! Bub-bye! Buhbye!” It ramps up through other rage-induced profane and/or snarky expressions, and if you really piss me off, full throttle goes “FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCKYOU!! FUCKYOU!!!FUCKYOU!!!FUCKYOU!!!FUCKYOU!!!
Say it. Push my buttons. And see what happens. Except you presume you’ve done or said nothing wrong, and it’s me being batshit that causes me to be angry. You’re not paying attention to yourself. You’re not paying attention to me. And when I told you what the issue was, you didn’t want to do anything about it, and my way of handling that rejection was to shut off that part of your part of my life. You can still come back. You don’t have to verbally apologize. A non-verbal apology and promise will suffice. But I don’t think you know how to not say it.
My problem is I want to stay. I want to come back. I want you to come back. I want my kids to know I genuinely care about them and I want them to return my care appropriately, but I can’t afford to buy that affection. Thank God most of the time the kids have learned to read me, and know when I can laugh with them versus when what they say or do, or don’t do, will just piss me off . I want my wife to know the same, but I can only offer so much, and there’s that trigger, more sensitive after almost 25 years of being married. I’d think she’d know not to do or say those things in that way, and I’d think she’d know it’d be nice if she did something I liked once in a while.
It’s the same at work. I want to work. I want to work my ass off and make you a ton of money, but I need the favor returned here too. Entry level wages and being ignored unless I’m being disciplined does not earn my respect NOR my extra hard work. You pay me shit, expect my work to be shit. And it would be if I had no pride in something I have to put my name on. But my name is on what I do, so I want to do it right. You should want to do right by me in return. After 10 years I’ve proven I’m worth it, and you should prove you want me to stay.
And it’s the same at church. You’d think with my training and volunteer experience, they’d maybe want me to work at the church, as more than a volunteer. But no, I can volunteer or I can decide to do nothing. So I’ve decided to do nothing and see if the doors open somewhere else. Corporate America does not as a rule promote people who know what the fuck they’re doing from the inside. They make them stay where they are and work them until they’re worn out. Similarly, “modern day” “normal” churches do not recruit from within. They find some superman who looks great on paper and has a more forceful presentation, and all the hidden agendas that go along with that kind of force. Well fuck that. If God wants to use me, He’ll set that up, and if not, well, here I remain and I think I have to be ok with that.
And it’s the same with God. I want to have the best relationship with God, but I often fail. Being the Creator He should know this and deal with me with a little patient and divine encouragement. And you’d think my struggle with faith and doubt might be answered like it is with my earthly father- sometimes he’ll slip me a $10 or $20 for just being his son, which is really cool. And lately, this whole relationship with God has actually improved. I wonder if it’s because I quit trying to do anything.
People ask how you know when you’re in love, and they ask how to find a significant other/partner/spouse, and I think the answer is the same for some people. If you’re aggressive, you run after what you want and you take it whether it was offered willingly out of love, or whether it was just you being a pushy ass hole. And you think you’re getting what you want, but really you’re just taking it. I want to be given what I want, willingly and out of love. And I want people to realize, without me having to tell them, that they’re selfish, grabby, pushy ass holes and they’ve been taking everything at my expense. But I think you find love when you least expect it, and you wake up and realize you’re in love because you were falling long before you ever realized you had fallen. I still haven’t figured out how to just get what I want at work, but with marriage it’s been a conscious decision, my choice. Fuck, I still love her and she treats me like shit quite a bit of the time. It’s because after I realized I loved her I decided I wanted to be in love and stay that way.
It’s naive and stupid and setting me up for heartbreak, people tell me. And they say the same thing about believing in God. But lately,
I quit trying to do anything, and God did some pretty cool things in answer to a pretty snarky prayer “request.” Actually I was flippant and nearly in denial and He did answer, giving me something I really needed when it was needed.
So maybe this quitting doing anything would work for work, and for wife, and for family. Except I like a clean house, a dog that’s been walked, a yard that’s been mowed. I’m not sure which “anything” I need to quit and which I can keep doing, that’ll ultimately and miraculously result in me getting what I need from family and wife.
As it stands, I’ve got a dead cell phone because I didn’t demand we get more time/data yesterday when I thought I had a month left. Kids don’t clean the house or walk the dog because they know I’ll reach a point of desperation where it’s too gross and needs to be done, or I know the dog is about to create a disaster if I don’t take care of him. I’ve got nothing happening in other areas because I haven’t demanded that. I don’t want to demand anything to get what I need. I want to be treated with love and care and respect just because I’m worth it, but because I’m not demanding and pushy people take me for granted and treat me like shit.
So where’s the road sign from rage and depression and lack, bypassing forceful taking, and driving straight through to people just giving me what I need because I’m worth it?
If you know, let me know. But right now I have to go buy a fucking phone card because mine is dead and Mrs M and the kids want to text me their list of demands.
A day without all this cloudy, grey, dam(n)p rain so I can mow at mum and dads would be great too, but that’s an appeal to a Higher Power, Fuck it, if He wants clouds and rain, and rivers in my back yard, bring that shit on until He’s bored with that and moves on to sunshine and rainbows and unicorns and lollipops and neapolitan ice cream and remembering Buttercup, and other shit I might actually enjoy. Same with the fucking job, and the family, and the church. Maybe the rain has to fall and I have to be broke, and the job has to be shit and the house has to be filthy and my legs have to cramp until I can barely walk before I take the dog out, and the wife has to be off-putting and insulting and demanding, so I really appreciate when it’s finally sunny, and I finally win the Lottery AND the Publisher’s Clearinghouse, and I finally get a job I really enjoy, and my kids finally help clean the house, and finally make a habit of walking the dog and my wife greets me naked at the door and attacks me with all those soft, beautiful weapons.
For now it’s clouds and rain and cramps and abstinence and alcohol. Bring it on. I think I can still weather it a while.
It’s been a while since I thought of Buttercup. I figure, if I just wait, and refuse to do shit, the rest of the clouds are sure to break soon. (I know, but shut up and let me have my delusion!)