I heard this morning, although NOT on the TV News, for fuck’s sake, that the absolute best male vocalist I have ever had the pleasure of hearing sing has “died suddenly.” “Soundgarden frontman Chris Cornell has died after a sold-out Detroit concert on Wednesday, May 17, at age 52.” With the news media being so much about awful shit happening in the world, why did I not know about this until 11AM. To soften the blow, I suppose.
He had a history. I’ve read that when he was a teenager, he suffered from some depression and wrote this song about it:
His voice has been silenced now, and he was only 51. But damn it, he was awesome. The cause of death has yet to be released. The police are investigating his death as a possible suicide.
When I was 14 I was “deeply troubled.” I never got counseling for it, but I did talk to one of my school teachers about it a little. What I was, was depressed, deeper than I’d ever felt ever before. I wanted to die. I wrote my suicide note.
There was self loathing, from personal, physical defects, there was bullying, there was teen angst, there was worry and hopelessness about the future, there was a lot of self-doubt, there were people I thought were my friends who had hurt me, there was the same shit I suppose everyone lives with. I decided not to act at the time. I think I burned the suicide note, but I should have kept it. I don’t remember what it said.
Some people are ass holes. Shit, a LOT of people are ass holes. Some life circumstances are shit. And when the universe fucker decides to fuck with someone, they’re fucked. Because whatever shit can come at you, comes in from all directions and I don’t care if you’re a nearly sinless holy-rolling, Christ-Following SAINT, you will NOT endure with the patience of Job. I never asked for the tests, and when they came, I failed. And when they come, I still fail. I mean, we can read what we’re supposed to do, and we can brag like Peter did, but when it happens, it sucks. Work, that merely sucked before, just like everyone else’s jobs, is raised to nearly impossible levels of expectation. Friends and/or family abandon you, or die. Strangers, acquaintances, friends, and family do shitty, selfish things at your expense. Your shit starts to fall apart faster than you can fix or replace it. Time becomes an impossible archvillain conspiring against you. Your own body rebels from the stress, and you’re in real pain, and doctors claim that shit is all in your head. And your back is misaligned and hurts when you don’t move and hurts more when you do, and makes your body hurt all over and not want to move and you still force yourself because whatever it is still has to be done, and no one else is going to do it, and the bills still have to be paid, so you go to work with your walking pneumonia and deal with it. And what’s worse, frequently, family shows they’re selfish ass holes, taking you and everything you do for granted and only expecting and demanding more. Oh wait. Is that just me? Somehow I doubt it. Because storms come into everyone’s lives.
Depression sucks. FUCK YOU DEPRESSION!! I’m not feeling anything else but depressed, but I think depression desperately likes to be felt, because nobody really WANTS to feel it. So it gloms onto some poor schmuck and feels like animate, living darkness and emptiness, hopelessness, soul-deep self-hatred and waste and rejection, sucking at the soul. But what’s worse, is suicide.
Suicide sucks. FUCK YOU SUICIDE!
I think that’s why I decided not to kill myself. I thought about it, and sticking around to stick it to the universe fucker whenever I get my chances at revenge seems like more fun than surrendering to death. Even small acts of vengeance are better than letting that black-hearted shithead win.
Damn it, Chris.
He had a wife and a family. And now they don’t have him. That’d be another reason I haven’t killed myself. For as much as I feel taken for granted, I know that it’s rewarding in the long run to be strong, steady, present, loving, and helpful. I may scar my family emotionally, but they’ll be shallower cuts than just up and leaving suddenly and without adequate explanation. Not that I’m not scarring them, not that I’m all that strong or whatever. I suck, but I’m all the dad they’ve got. I’m not leaving on purpose.
I don’t want to know the cause of death, but I’m sure as soon as those ghouls in the news room get the report, we’ll have to hear all that shit a million times in one morning. And it probably was suicide, but I think that’s a lousy way to deal with a midlife crisis. After the news dries up and moves to something more wet, then we’ll have the fucking bio-pic glamourizing both the rock star lifestyle and the death, to “help the audience understand his choice.” Well, fuck that. On the plus or minus side, depending on how hard I grieve, I get to hear his music on the radio for a while, just like they did to Prince, and Michael Jackson and Elvis.
Even if it was an “accident,” or something not brought on by Mr. Cornell, it still sucks. It just sucks worse if it was suicide. Death by drugs and/or alcohol is the same as suicide to me, so there you have my perspective for what it’s worth.
We common people don’t get treated like that on the news.
Honestly, I feel a kind of aware-of-the-air-molecules soul pain from the loss of Chris Cornell. He wasn’t family; I didn’t know him personally. I’m not your typical fanboy and I don’t plan to follow. But this sucks.
Your voice was strong and beautiful and hopeful for humanity, and angry at the universe fucker, and now we have to carry on without your voice sounding the battle cry. You told us what to tell that old lying bastard who wanted us to hurt ourselves and hurt others including our own families, and kill ourselves, and now you’re gone.
At least I still hear the echo:
So here’s the message to the universe fucker:
I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!!
Say it again, this time, LOUDER!!
I miss you already, Chris.