One of my sisters, bless her black heart, suffers some of the same things I do, and some different things that I think might be worse. We and our kids and our dad are on something behavioral psychologists call a “spectrum.” It’s a label because calling it “fucked-up brain” is too generic. A LOT of people have special labels now. I try to shy away from my special labels, but while I honestly hate to admit it, but the discoveries of a few appropriate labels have helped me understand myself a lot better. But my sister and her kids and I and my kids have inherited and respun whatever he has. He grew up before those labels were invented, and my sister and I grew up when they were being fleshed out with decent definitions. And our kids are in the generation where we know what to call it, we can medicate some of it, but basically we don’t have the first clue what to do about it.
My sister sends me things, and I honestly don’t know sometimes whether she sends a given thing to be provocational, or to encourage, because it depends on her mood, or maybe it depends on mine. I try to spin what she sends in the most positive light, since we do both struggle with some psychological things. She got the short end of it, but came out stronger than me, at least at times. It’s probably cyclical for her, just as it is for me. Which sucks. Her kids have autistic tendencies just like dad and me, and she has dyslexia on top of everything. Anyway, this last thing she sent me was a motivational link.
It had several things that are supposed to help a person change their perspective, their thought processes, to be more positive. You’ve guessed it (if you didn’t expect it from the title) – The link she sent me was some motivational thoughts. I’ve paraphrased a few here: Life isn’t easy, but take each day as a gift and an opportunity, and make the best of it. It’s not perfect, but don’t complain about it. Don’t be resentful about what you lack or what happens. Be resourceful with what you have.
I paraphrased but if you find a positive thinking website that doesn’t say something like this, please don’t send it to me. And if you find a website that DOES say something like this… PLEASE don’t send it to me.”
Ain’t it grand though? Such brilliance, such wisdom.
Except I’m fucking tired.
Life isn’t easy and each day the universe fucker has new ways of fucking it up. You have to be strong enough, energetic enough, and persistent enough, to keep fighting. I’m not complaining, I’m calling it like it is. And frankly, I’m less resentful about what happens than I am about what people do that hurts me. I don’t really like the extra work, when I stand close to a trash can and I release whatever needs to go in there and instead it goes on the floor. Twice. Before going in the trash can on the third try. I don’t really like the opportunity to clean up after the coffee grounds do that little thing where some or all of the grounds decide to not go in the trash. Or the opportunity to clean up after the wife and kids have given the house the gift of a mess they’ve not bothered to clean up after themselves.
Honestly, I’m already tired of being so fucking resourceful. When you don’t have to go to the resale store, going and discovering something cool that you’d have otherwise had to buy is nice. It happens. But when you can’t afford it and you go hoping it’s there and it’s not, you take what you can get when you can’t you become “resourceful” enough to go without. When I read or hear about someone who doesn’t have enough money for food, or medicine, I get upset, but I can’t do much of anything about it because I’m not that “resourceful.” If I was resourceful, I’d have enough resources to help when others don’t. Not just barely get by myself.
Mum loves music, so if you know those motivational, old-school musical songs, you know this one:
I picked the specific video because it mentions some things I’m mostly actually thankful for. But I’ve lived a blessed life compared to some people. I have sisters who really care about me. I do have friends. And they mostly don’t send me motivational thoughts, which makes me love them more than if they did. And I think, when my sister sent me the link, she was at least partly being ironic, or sarcastic, or humorous, or something.
At least I hope so. Because until I’m not as tired, and until I have the energy to fight it, I don’t want her to be serious. When motivational speakers say things that aren’t true to me, it’s just bullshit.
But it’s a nice thought. Thanks, sis. And mum? Thank you too. At least the song is soothing, and restful. So maybe I can sleep a bit. Later. Work is first, so I need to “take that opportunity now.”