I had a thing stuck in my head, an image of a figure in cross hairs. I thought it might have been something I remembered from a James Bond movie, but I didn’t find anything like that when I went searching. Bing, nothing, Google, nothing, except I did find a video showing that what I might have thought were cross hairs were actually the views from inside the gun barrel of the bad guy in the opening credits.
Not cross hairs. But I distinctly remembered it from back in the dark ages of TV. Like back in the 70s or 80s, they discovered they could put a thing in front of the camera and get a different effect.
I did remember examples of it. The Six-Million Dollar Man had a bionic eye that could act like a telescope so he could see at great distances, and when he used it they played the bionic eye theme music. The Incredible Hulk’s Dr Banner had the cross hair thingy in front of his eye or his brain when he radiated himself with the gamma radiation but that was just a shadow, not the cross hairs in front of the camera. I swear I remember it. I just can’t remember the show or movie it was in.
I may have stumbled across it. There’s a movie called “Two Minute Warning,” about a sniper at a football game. And I have about 2 minutes before I have to go to work. (Grumblemumblegrumble)
I feel like I’m living under the gun. Deadlines, endings, beginnings, more work at work. I took several days off of work last week and I still feel all the pressure. I have two projects I’m trying to wrap up for the volunteer organization, and after that I’m going to make some decisions about what to do next, if anything. If my car starts today I should be fine, but the anxiety is by me like an old friend. An old friend I’ve always hated. If I hate someone who wants to be my friend, do you think they’ll leave me alone? Well this old friend won’t. It’s like the character Seeley Booth, whose “friend” was a sniper like him. And his “friend” tried to shoot him. I’m in those damned cross hairs, and I hope my “friend” doesn’t shoot me or anyone close to me.
I feel like I’m at a crossroads in my life. These two volunteer projects and what I choose to do next might help me in the future. Or, they’ll just say, “thanks,” and let it go at that. I’m not a psychic, so I can’t predict what will happen. I hope for “thanks.” And I’m hoping they don’t just use that as a foothold to ask me for more. These two projects have had moments, along with a long-term kind of drain, of amping up the anxiety and I’m tired of that.
After I turn it all in and I’m out from under it, maybe I’ll get the Sunday paper from yesterday and take some time to work a crossword. I like crossword puzzles. Cross words, not so much. So before I do the crosswords, I better get to work or I’ll be hearing cross words instead. And I need to finish these two projects. I’m just praying it all works out and doesn’t turn out to be as big a screw up as I fear it could be. I figured, I’d have anxiety and depression and anger and panic attacks whether I accepted these projects or not, so I did. Thank God for the milder form and a slower sine wave to surf; if it’s not going away at least it’s not so severe. If it were more severe, I’d have said no.
I mean, it kind of pisses me off when people say that what I’m going through “isn’t that bad,” but when I look at it compared to people who aren’t saying that, it isn’t. The people who are saying it don’t have cyclothymia or ADD, but they think they can offer me an objective opinion. Ass holes. YOU try a project when you don’t have any motivation and reach points during your work when you really couldn’t give a quarter of a fuck and when you’re certain that you’re going to fail.
Progress just feels good, after it’s done. But until it’s done, I just feel the anxiety. I’m not far from being done, but that just makes me feel more anxious. While I’m hoping for just that nudge toward being finished today, and I feel very close with these two projects, I’m hoping you can make progress today, too.
Gotta go, I’m probably late already.