I searched for images of strawberries and scrolled. I sometimes do design layouts and need a random image, or want to see how others have handled a subject before I do my own. Or, I’m craving something and want to see pictures. More often than not, I search because I’m craving. When I was a kid, I thought cravings were a girl thing because I didn’t experience them. As I got older I thought cravings were mostly related to pregnancy. And then a little older and I started experiencing them myself. Fried Chicken. Chocolate. Steak. Fruit. Pork. Steak. Bacon. Turkey. Fried Chicken. Biscuits with honey. Buttered toast. Alcohol. Cheese. Peanut butter.
I got married, and after a while the craving thing got weird. In a nice weird way. At work I’d think about a specific dish all day, and then I’d go home and Mrs. M would have that specific dish on the table without us ever communicating about it. Anyone else ever have that happen? I can say weird, but I get it, because it’s in the Bible. It’s in Matthew 19. If we’re “one flesh,” it makes sense that we both want the same thing. But if we’re “one flesh,” I do have some specific cravings that don’t make sense in that way, sadly.
To answer your inevitable question, no, there are no internet pictures of Mrs. M, but the craving is there. No, the craving is NOT on the internet. You people and your dirty minds! I don’t even know what you mean, but honestly, I’m shocked. I suppose I shouldn’t be, given the nature of my cravings doesn’t always involve food. That’s right, sometimes I look up clothes or shoes. Or a new drink I might like to try, or cute kitten pictures or memes.Lately, even searches for kittens and kitten memes have been corrupted because people have recently boasted about grabbing them. FFS, what is WRONG with this PLANET?!? Not that Orange Boy ever actually did that, because, eww, unless it’s your wife and she wants you to do that, ewww ewww ewww. Not to wax political but I HATE all the politicians, in any given election for any given office.
When I scrolled down I saw something that wasn’t a strawberry, and I had my search settings on *moderate*. Sure, you’d expect to see actual strawberries, and drinks, and pastries, and cakes, and weird craft projects. I even saw strawberry fields, which then put a delightful eternal earworm in my head, and now it’s in yours. You’re welcome. But back to my search results. It turns out that even on a moderately restricted search, the internet is low-key prurient.
lowkey (ADJECTIVE) 1: quiet and relaxed: not very forceful, emotional or noticeable
2: of low intensity: restrained; 3: secretly (perhaps somewhat shamefully) wanted or felt
“I lowkey wanna eat an entire cake.”
(Thanks, Bing, and Urban Dictionary)
I say that because I didn’t just see pictures of strawberries and strawberry related things. I saw this:
One of these things is not like the others,
One of these things just doesn’t belong,
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?
(Joe Raposo, Jon Stone, © EMI Music Publishing, Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.)
I did not search for “Berry.” I mean, come on, internet! I didn’t even see Strawberry Shortcake, that old cartoon, before I saw Halle Berry. She’s not even a berry. She’s a peach, but not a berry.
Peach (NOUN): (informal) A particularly admirable or pleasing person or thing.
So what am I supposed to do if I’m surfing? The internet knows almost everyone has ADD, but what the fuck, internet? I was looking for fucking strawberries, and no, I wasn’t looking for “fucking+strawberries,” I was looking for “strawberries,” or damn it, I’d better see a pair of strawberries, fucking. So what was it for, internet? You put her face in my head so later (or now) I’ll go look for her? I am not going to do that, so
I don’t particularly have a “thing” for Halle, or I might have gone off on that tangent. Instead, I made the connection that the internet helps people to go in directions they possibly shouldn’t. I think the internet low-key WANTS us to. Unless you have your search engine settings to “off,” or “don’t filter,” or “allow mature content.” Then, it’s probably high-key pushing you toward porn. I’m afraid to try allowing mature content, because I might see strawberries, pastries, cakes, shortcakes, Halle Berry and even vegetable pictures, because God only knows what the internet will throw up on my screen. I might even see things that aren’t porn!
I don’t want porn, I want Mrs M, in any compromising way I can have her. Compromise? It means, loving her even when she says, “no.”(FML, grumblemumblegrumble) But I’d prefer “yes.” Here’s hoping. Maybe I’ll go to the store and get some strawberries and whipped cream. Don’t think about it. Wait, you’re thinking about it. Stop that, I’d never do THAT! I did get a few craft ideas from the search though; maybe we can try a few of those…
Oh, and that earworm? You’re welcome: