My life lately seems to just be the poster child for resisting the impulse to act rashly. I want to act on my rage, I want to act on my panic, I want to act on my passion, I want to act on temptations, I want to act on my discipline and my desire to make progress in life, I want to act on compassion, I want to act on indifference.
I appear to be controlling the desire to act on what may be negative impulses. I appear to be resisting the impulse to act out. But what may actually be happening is this: My impulses are keeping me from doing anything. I’m stuck and buzzing with the feeling I should do something, but I have a counter-impulse that keeps the first impulse under control.
So when I have the impulse to tell the boss and the company they can go fuck themselves because of the way they’re treating me, I have the counter impulse that says I need a job, and a job is better than no job. So when I have the impulse to find some stress relief somewhere to just relax, I have tasks that force me to not be able to relax. So when I feel the urge to sleep, I have the brain that says, maybe later. Or not.
It’s an election year. It would be nice to know who to vote for because they’re good, but instead, they’re all shit and you have to pick the ones you think is going to do the least damage. Which is why when I’m voting for one party’s presidential idiot…candidate, I vote for the other party’s congressional candidates, to keep them from furthering their harmful agendas. Lately, and by that I mean for the past twenty or thirty years, that hasn’t been working so good. Yeah, I’ve probably been voting for twenty or thirty years.
It’s possible that my life is demonstrating this text. (or not). Yeah, click it, you’ll probably either laugh or ask yourself “what the fuck did I just read?!” It’s not a good “in my own words,” but if I were writing that, I might say this: I want to do good and positive things, but everything I try to do only turns out to be more shit.
It’s possible I have every impulse known to mankind, and they’re all in perfect balance, preventing me from actually doing anything. A bit like genius Matt Groening’s delightful Mr. Burns and his diseases:
Like my poem from the other day, I need to put one foot in front of the other one. Except every time I feel like i might be making progress,some shit happens to take that progress away. So it isn’t a good thing to me. Or maybe it’s fine.
It would really feel good to tell the boss exactly how I feel, but instead yesterday I worked my ass off again because I don’t want to give her or the company any ammunition they could use against me. Fuckers. I’m going back to do the same again. Because I want to stay home and do fuck all. But instead, I’ll get home after work and do the thing scheduled for tonight instead of reading all your blogs and catching up and trying to make encouraging comments and deleting my excess emails. Because my progress continues to take a back seat to everything that has to be done. I don’t have the resources to do what I want, so I have to do what I have to do and not do what I want to do.
Confused yet? Well so am I. So I’m going to work. Sorry everyone! I hope, despite my stuck situation, that you all make good progress today. I’ll try to put a dent in something other than my car or my head. Oh, I hit my head yesterday, too. Maybe I just hit it too hard, but I feel fine. Really.
Have a great day!