Rage

All I had today was fear of being forced to face my inevitable failure and a furious frustration with all things, when what I really wanted to feel was success and satisfaction. Today went OK but all I had to offer were anger beyond anger and profanity I wanted to direct at the profane, that is, if only I knew how to direct it. It had to come out but I had no deserving candidates for the diatribe I wanted to unleash, so it festered in my soul and fed my indigestion of the food I could barely stomach. I completed the requirements of the day and feel no joy from it. There is no real pleasure in the music rattling happily in the background. I started to write and must have gotten out a thousand words about my dissatisfaction with all things, and I didn’t like it and it won’t be published. I haven’t written for three days. I feel depressed a little, but mostly, I’m feeling rage and nothingness. This internal infernal indigestion – fear, doubt, anger, inconsolable sadness, faltering weakness of conscience and confidence, bitterness, frustration and hopelessness has no where to go. These negatives fillet my faith to a fine fermière. And I faked the day fine. But my prayer passed pointlessly into an emptiness, unanswered except for the faint laughter

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4 thoughts on “Rage

  1. Oh Deon I am in a terrible way tonight. I am beyond hope right now. My daughter-in-law and I got into it over her mistreatment of my grandson last night. And my son told me very coldly I need to get out of there home. He didn’t even give me a chance to explain. I have look all day for cheap apt. and there are none. I’m getting to the point I don’t know how much more I can take. Please talk to me and let me know I not a horrible person, because right now I feel like the worst person in the world…

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