Control

Control, 08/31/2016, Deon Mumple

I keep control under control
What I really want to do
Is let the whole thing just explode
I control control for you.

I maintain these strong defenses,
Monitoring all details.
Who knows the consequences
If I should let myself fail?

What I want to do is be me,
The one that lets it all fly,
Drop the bombs, so everyone sees,
And occasionally cry.

Quit the things that waste so much time,
Except those things support me,
Buy my vodka, tonic and lime,
Oh, and food.  I like to eat.

Control is the mask I’m wearing,
Hiding failure, rage, panic.
Medicine’s not really helping,
And control makes me feel sick.

When I slip and I’m really real,
People act like I’m crazy.
If I always said how I feel,
I might be locked up, no key,

Hide the symptoms, appear normal,
Everything will be just fine,
If it looks right other people
Won’t read me between the lines.

Is it me or is it my mask,
Other people say they love?
Is it me, or, I’m scared to ask,
All that I’m in control of?

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5 thoughts on “Control

  1. I think all of us with BP wear the mask to stay in control. Sometimes people don’t help us with that control. My daughter a in-laws mom came to eat dinner with us Sun. night and knows my son and I are BP. In a story she told about a friends daughter who is BP and revered to her as crazy and strange. Yeah, it was real hard to stay in control the rest of the night!!! Sometimes it would be nice to be able to lose that control, but I’d be called crazy and thrown out of my sons house. It really does get hard for us sweetie!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I honestly feel like that’s why I choose to spend a lot of time alone. It’s just easier that way. While I was having my mini-breakdown yesterday my Mexican kept saying “I think you should just take your meds”, and we laughed about it because he knows I’m stubborn and I won’t go back to meds yet. Nodding my head about the control thing. Estoy contigo n’hombre.

    Liked by 2 people

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