If the Standards Were Mine to Set

I sometimes wish I were the one setting the standards for life.  Wouldn’t it be fun to be God?  Well, maybe not.  There’s a lot of shit I’d just end people for.  But where would Such a One draw the lines?  Plus, I’m too easily distracted.  Love would be allowed.  Even encouraged.  Helpfulness.  Friendship.  I don’t think I’d command anyone to love me, or care too much about my name.  I think it would be nice if you loved me, but I think I’d understand if for some reason you didn’t.  But if my name expresses and implies my character and I’m right and you’re *saying* I’m wrong, or saying other bad things about me, well, um, fuck you and your name too.  Guess that settles that.

If I could, I’d dole out a little bit more karma on mean people than our current Omnipotent One seems to distribute.  But then, there are my own sins I don’t want karma for.  There would definitely be a score card, and again, where would Such a One draw those lines?  I think, just to scare people straight, there would be face to face meetings with really bad records.  With a warning or two:  “Friend, you really need to stop doing those bad things, and make what you’ve already done wrong, right.  Or I’m done with you, and you really don’t want that.  Really.”  If I HAD to let shit happen to people, I’d arrange a conference with them too, to apologize and show the best things to do to help them fix whatever was allowed.  Bring a note pad.

I’d play with time, too, if time were my bitch.  Murderers would be backtracked to the moment, their personal point of no return from the choice, and ended.  Rapists would be rendered incapable, right before they started, but after they committed themselves to it.  And teleported to a remote place to think about that and then find their way back to civilization, if they survived.  Mount Everest springs to mind.  Death Valley.  And no one would be able to tell anything to anyone about the incident, except that people should never try that because it’s bad.  I think I’d even help if they were desperate enough to ask me to.  Because no one should be assaulted.  Free will is fine, until someone abuses it to abuse someone else.  Child abusers, I think I’d take them apart a piece at a time, and let them live

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I’d play with resources too, and make enough to go around so no one went hungry.  And those power-crazed despots and dictators?  Nope.  Share, or get off my planet.  In fact, you can help with distribution if you’re going to start acting like an ass about hoarding shit.  Executives?  Everyone gets a fair share, or you get nothing.  Lazy?  You get nothing.  Cheat?  You lose the advantage you pressed and take a step back.  I’d have to be God, just to keep up with the accounting.

I’d play with health, so there’d be no room for sickness on my planet.  No tooth decay either, because that just sucks.  If you’re a dentist, I’m sorry but I’d end your profession, and the doctors too.  Sure, you get to die of old age, or of my just judgement, or possibly your own natural consequences from being stupid.  But diseases can fuck off.  No more physical illness, no more mental illness.

No more poisonous snakes or spiders ever biting people.  I think I’d boost the average intelligence so no more “hey, y’all, watch this!” episodes.  Sorry, AFV and youtube.

Humans?  I’d make the design a little easier to follow and a little harder to get around.  I’d make being normal so much easier.  Bullies get a backtrack too, and a therapy audience to settle that.  And friends, distant friends, would be able to travel where their friends are to visit, talk, hug, and enjoy each other face to face.

I’m busy hiding in my bunker right now, but picture me right where you are, distributing the best hugs anyone has ever had, and then picture me going away because I like my bunker.  I don’t really want to be God.  Imagine creating something and watching that something become a dickhead that hates you.  Like certain teenagers.  My kids haven’t had an episode in a while, I should probably brace myself for the next shitstorm.

That job would be way too much work.  I don’t want it.  I bet people would, even if they knew the consequences, still be selfish, hateful dickheads.  And they would still believe in their hearts that they are “good people.”  I’m probably one in 7,445,000,000 that knows he isn’t.  Anyone who wants what they want as strongly as I do, and has as much rage about not having any control over that, must have something wrong with them.  Plus, I have episodes of being a real jerk.  Honest.

Still, it’d be fun to fix food allergies and end sicknesses and world hunger, and tighten mental health screws and stop people-abusers.  If I did that much, I bet I wouldn’t be needed so much.  Maybe that’s why God lets it run to shit so much.  He likes us to know we need Him.  Well I know I need God, but will He do anything about why I need Him here on earth, or wait until 4 days after I’m dead (like Lazarus)?  And, as much as people need Him, I think the stupid requests would get on my nerves after a while.  Because I still want to win the lottery, so I have more power to fix things and help people here on earth, first for me and my family, and then for other unsuspecting people.  Surprise! You’re now debt free and you have that new car you needed, and while I’m anonymously sending cash, here’s a little extra just for fun.

Hmm.  If I had to pick, I don’t know if it’d be just quiet healing, or infinite cash and resources.  I’d like both powers.  I wonder if I’d be a jerk less often if I had more control.

Probably not.  I’m only human.

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12 thoughts on “If the Standards Were Mine to Set

  1. Oh, I am sooo in favor of karma, for my bootie has more karmic bite marks than I care to say. Everyone should share in that joy(lessness, yet educational).

    I DO love you, whether you order me to or not. You are a kind human being with a sarcastic wit that I appreciate. Ultimately, you are a loyal, loving being and worthy of not just my affection…my respect and loyalty. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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