I told you I was going to listen to the message from Sunday. Joy, joy. I just remembered it’s hard to convey sarcasm in two words.
I used to be more clueless. Remember the charm of the innocence of Larry? I suppose I used to be more innocent.
Life isn’t “all sunshine and roses.” And it isn’t all bitterness and breakage either. I’m just not able to keep up with the breakage and I’m struggling with how difficult it is. I’m just human, I’m not a super Christian and I can’t handle the way God is handling this. I haven’t been handling it well for a long time. I appreciate the way some have come along to try to encourage me. I’m sorry my response is not affirming you and your efforts. I really am sorry. And thank you.
I used to be happier in spite of the difficulty of life. Life was still difficult, I just had a happier disposition about it and a higher level of trust that it would all work out. I accepted that my suffering was common to everyone. Call it Larry’s cluelessness, or boundless hope. Then I had on the job training that says people are out to hurt you in an attempt to help themselves.
That’s true, everywhere. Even in working for the church. A pastor will stab you in the back. A pastor will lie to make themselves look good at your expense. And then they’ll say things to anyone who might figure it out to cover their own asses. And they’ll jump from one ministry to another, bigger, better one, to go away from their petty scandals, when everyone just wanted to help them and serve God. Or maybe they wanted to hurt them and that’s why they felt I wasn’t to be trusted. Who knew? Anyway, turns out what I thought was boundless hope, had bounds. Who knew? That’s why I gave up on that career aspiration. That’s why I’m not applying to be a pastor anywhere. I wanted it, but now I don’t want it. It’s a setup to be hurt even more, by everyone. Look what they did to the First Guy! Back in the day, I just wanted to come alongside and help whoever the pastor was, and I did that successfully until… See above. Whoever they were, they either got scared or got jealous, not that there was anything to be jealous of, and I got hurt.
Most pastors seem to be ok. They seem like they have it together. I don’t want to scratch their surface to see if it’s just a gilded cage, but I bet it is, and they can see the rust on the inside. And they’re scared, just as scared as I am. I bet all of them have a level of fear mixed with their faith, just like I do.
I also used to have ridiculously conservative (read Pharisaical) views on other people’s lives, that was before I realized I was ruining it and not living up to my own expectations. And I was being an ass hole about what I thought other people were doing wrong while I was doing it wrong. It’s taken me to a place where I love people more deeply and I try to understand a lot harder. Except those ass hole pastors. I won’t. I needed them to help me and shepherd me, not put me on their own personal altar of sacrifice.
That not-being-able-to-trust-anyone? It continued into the secular realm because people in the “real” world are almost as bad as pastors. Almost.
The message Sunday was basically to tell me to shut up. (Eccl. 5:2)
Maybe the sarcasm will convey better in one word than in two: