I Need to Know

I Need to Know, 7/5/2016, Deon Mumple

What’s it mean when you hear in your soul, “You’re free,”
But you’re not sure what being free ought to be
And you’re not sure what you are allowed to do
When you still feel strong chains there, restricting you?

I know what I feel, I’m abandoned, outrun,
Left behind, frozen, frightened of a loaded gun
Pointed straight at me by an enemy that I can’t see
I know he is there, I’m scared.  Will You save me?

I need to know.

I’ve been captive so long, the soul-Voice is strange-
Everything looks the same, has anything really changed?
What’s it feel like to feel, and to know, you’re free?
What’s the point? Where’s the dream that used to call me?

Why’d You tell me I’m free, already, not yet
When there’s blocks of concrete on my feet, hard set
If my prayers have been answered like some great prophet,
Shouldn’t I have impractical visions in my head?

I need to know.

I wanted a grander purpose for life than darkness
I didn’t really ask to be broken by stress
And to be left alone in pieces, shattered,
Reminded daily, brainwashed, I never mattered

If I’m free, are You guiding my footsteps still?
Why do I feel vacant worthlessness? I’m rotting kill.
While time never stops, just like water eats the sand…
Why am I still trapped?  I don’t understand.

I need to know.
________________________________________

Saturday I had a dream I was watching a thunderstorm, outside.  There was a tornado in the dream, and I watched a brick building get eaten.  The corner of my house was ripped away by the same tornado. I felt numb.  I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t sad, I was just emotionally numb.  I felt nothing.  My arms were heavy, my legs moved slowly, and I didn’t have any purpose.  There wasn’t anything about the dream that I understood, except the same thing I keep saying.  The poem today is how I have felt for a long time.  Stuck and not really able to do anything to change anything, all the while being told I’m free and I should be able to accomplish something.  While time rips away the corners of my life.

Oh and then there’s the voice in my head, I heard it very distinctly Friday.  “You’re free.”  Only, I’m anything but.

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One thought on “I Need to Know

  1. You are free to find your happy place, fulfill the dreams you had and feel valued my friend. It just takes realizing that you are indeed a very worthy man capable of so much. Don’t go looking else where to find someone to tell you this, your very soul is trying to let you know how free and great you are. You can be the light, you are so talented with your words you write, let your talent guide you to the wonders inside you. You are blessed more than you know, do what feels right and don’t be afraid, he’s got your back!

    Liked by 1 person

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