It’s come to my attention that I should be a response whore blogger. Thank you, Opinionated Man Jason Cushman. Or should I say, with exaggerated affect because I don’t really mean it, “Damn You, Jason Cushman!!!” It’s probably not the first time Mr Cushman has received such condemnation, because he’s just that kind of guy. No, not a response whore. He’s open to criticism and he tries to be helpful, which just kind of …invites criticism. And he’s got a lot of followers, which makes people jealous, I speculate. He can get riled and speak his mind, but damn it, he’s just the nicest guy, why are some people so mean to him? Criticism is useless bullshit, but he takes it in stride. I admire that about him, but the same can’t be said of me. I’ll be the first one to say “fuck off and die, ass hole, you’re banned from my blog for all eternity,” to someone who doesn’t say something at least a little constructive about my writing, or about me. So there you go. No one comments about my blog, or about me, except a select group of darling sycophants I have grown to love dearly. Without further spoilers, here are my
Top 10 Reasons Why No One Comments On My Blog
10) My blog sucks. Why would you say anything about anything so irredeemably and unapologetically bad? Why would you bother trying to encourage such an awful writer? I might write MORE, for fucks sake!!
9) “Criticism is useless bullshit.” With this in mind, you can’t offer anything critical. I like “constructive criticism,” by which I mean you say things like “this is good, but could you add (insert a positive recommendation of something to add that would make it better).” Since reason # 10 is true, you can’t start with “this is good,” so people don’t bother.
8) My writing is perfect and I always leave the audience so blown away by being fucking impressed, that they’re speechless. Whatever, they never say anything so how would I know if it was #10 or #8? It could go either way. And in my own opinion, sometimes it does.
7) The audience is afraid of sexually harassing the writer. I’m married, not dead. But don’t send your naked pictures, I do not want to see your sexy naked elbows, hot wrinkled knees, perfectly saggy shoulder blades, elegantly sculpted hairy earlobes, or whatever the fuck that is in your toenails. Or anything in between. Don’t send sexy pictures, and if you flirt, remember eventually Mrs. M might read it. And laugh, because she knows me. I’ll bring it home to her, if she lets me, and if she doesn’t, I’m too afraid to take it anywhere else.
6) The audience is afraid I’m sexually harassing THEM. I am, baby, but don’t worry, reread #7. I don’t really mean anything intentional about anything. In spite of anything I might say on my blog about Mrs M’s behaviour, or lack of misbehaviour (damn it!), iykwim, I’m always going home to her and not leaving anything out where it shouldn’t be left out. I’m a monster, but I’m a tidy monster.
5) I’m sweary. If someone commented, they’d run the risk of me swearing AT them, and for fucks sake, why would you invite cursing, kirstiey cursed-y one, unless being cursed-y is up your alley?! I mean, JEREMIAH’S LAMENTATIONS!
(Damn, 65 and still looks this hot) 65 years old, no shit, and still looks hot, who IS she, Raquel Welch’s younger, hotter cousin? If you know Kirstie, or, Kirstie, if you are actually reading this… Ahh, fuck it, don’t bother, besides, I’m married. When my wife is 65, she’ll still be hot, too. ::thumbs nose and sticks out tongue at the nay-sayers::
4) I hardly ever comment on anyone else’s blogs, so no one comments on mine. Plus, what would they say in light of all the above, and following below, reasons?
3) I’m a psychic, I KNOW what you think so you don’t need to say anything.
2) I’m a know-it-all, blowhard, conservative, preachy, Bible-thumping, ass hole, Christian guy. ‘nough said.
1) I don’t have a number one reason for my number one list. With writing like this, constructively critical people might suggest alternate reasons why my blog sucks so badly they don’t want to bother posting comments, and then disappear in a puff of logic, thereby their comments would never reach me.
0) I have no concept of the meaning of the simplest things, like for instance, lists of 10 things. So I wouldn’t understand your comments if you bothered to post them, since I’m a complete idiot.
-1) Nobody really reads blogs.
-2) Everybody reads them, they only say things back if the blogs are worth saying something about.
-3) WordPress, Fakebook, Tumblr, Twitter, all the other social networks, AND the Illuminati are censoring your comments so I never get to read them.
-4) I’m a response whore blogger, and who wants to encourage that shit?
-5) With great responses comes great responsibility.
-6) This has gotten completely ridiculous.