Top 10 Reasons Why No One Comments

It’s come to my attention that I should be a response whore blogger.  Thank you, Opinionated Man Jason Cushman.  Or should I say, with exaggerated affect because I don’t really mean it, “Damn You, Jason Cushman!!!”  It’s probably not the first time Mr Cushman has received such condemnation, because he’s just that kind of guy.  No, not a response whore.  He’s open to criticism and he tries to be helpful, which just kind of …invites criticism.  And he’s got a lot of followers, which makes people jealous, I speculate.  He can get riled and speak his mind, but damn it, he’s just the nicest guy, why are some people so mean to him?  Criticism is useless bullshit, but he takes it in stride.  I admire that about him, but the same can’t be said of me.  I’ll be the first one to say “fuck off and die, ass hole, you’re banned from my blog for all eternity,” to someone who doesn’t say something at least a little constructive about my writing, or about me.  So there you go. No one comments about my blog, or about me, except a select group of darling sycophants I have grown to love dearly. Without further spoilers, here are my

Top 10 Reasons Why No One Comments On My Blog

10) My blog sucks.  Why would you say anything about anything so irredeemably and unapologetically bad?  Why would you bother trying to encourage such an awful writer?  I might write MORE, for fucks sake!!
9) “Criticism is useless bullshit.”  With this in mind, you can’t offer anything critical.  I like “constructive criticism,” by which I mean you say things like “this is good, but could you add (insert a positive recommendation of something to add that would make it better).”  Since reason # 10 is true, you can’t start with “this is good,” so people don’t bother.
8) My writing is perfect and I always leave the audience so blown away by being fucking impressed, that they’re speechless.  Whatever, they never say anything so how would I know if it was #10 or #8?  It could go either way.  And in my own opinion, sometimes it does.
7) The audience is afraid of sexually harassing the writer.  I’m married, not dead. But don’t send your naked pictures, I do not want to see your sexy naked elbows, hot wrinkled knees, perfectly saggy shoulder blades, elegantly sculpted hairy earlobes, or whatever the fuck that is in your toenails.  Or anything in between.  Don’t send sexy pictures, and if you flirt, remember eventually Mrs. M might read it.  And laugh, because she knows me.  I’ll bring it home to her, if she lets me, and if she doesn’t, I’m too afraid to take it anywhere else.
6) The audience is afraid I’m sexually harassing THEM.  I am, baby, but don’t worry, reread #7. I don’t really mean anything intentional about anything. In spite of anything I might say on my blog about Mrs M’s behaviour, or lack of misbehaviour (damn it!), iykwim, I’m always going home to her and not leaving anything out where it shouldn’t be left out.  I’m a monster, but I’m a tidy monster.
5) I’m sweary.  If someone commented, they’d run the risk of me swearing AT them, and for fucks sake, why would you invite cursing, kirstiey cursed-y one, unless being cursed-y is up your alley?!  I mean, JEREMIAH’S LAMENTATIONS!
(Damn, 65 and still looks this hot)  65 years old, no shit, and still looks hot, who IS she, Raquel Welch’s younger, hotter cousin?  If you know Kirstie, or, Kirstie, if you are actually reading this…  Ahh, fuck it, don’t bother, besides, I’m married.  When my wife is 65, she’ll still be hot, too.  ::thumbs nose and sticks out tongue at the nay-sayers::
4) I hardly ever comment on anyone else’s blogs, so no one comments on mine.  Plus, what would they say in light of all the above, and following below, reasons?
3) I’m a psychic, I KNOW what you think so you don’t need to say anything.
2) I’m a know-it-all, blowhard, conservative, preachy, Bible-thumping, ass hole, Christian guy.  ‘nough said.
1) I don’t have a number one reason for my number one list.  With writing like this, constructively critical people might suggest alternate reasons why my blog sucks so badly they don’t want to bother posting comments, and then disappear in a puff of logic, thereby their comments would never reach me.
0) I have no concept of the meaning of the simplest things, like for instance, lists of 10 things.  So I wouldn’t understand your comments if you bothered to post them, since I’m a complete idiot.
-1) Nobody really reads blogs.
-2) Everybody reads them, they only say things back if the blogs are worth saying something about.
-3) WordPress, Fakebook, Tumblr, Twitter, all the other social networks, AND the Illuminati are censoring your comments so I never get to read them.
-4) I’m a response whore blogger, and who wants to encourage that shit?
-5) With great responses comes great responsibility.
-6) This has gotten completely ridiculous.

Advertisements

13 thoughts on “Top 10 Reasons Why No One Comments

  1. truth told, I only wrote the list because I was trying to remember something funny someone commented on my blog and I didn’t remember anything funny, NOT that others haven’t put funny comments on my blog, just that “I don’t remember.” (Ronald Reagan, anyone? Too soon?)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Ooooo ooooooo ooooooo! Loved this into the negatives! What class do I call under? A sycophant or grouped with Morgue? Ya know, because I’m a foul mouthed bitchy moody crazy as fuck bitch that loves a twonk like you. But not that kinda love, like the friends kinda love, but not the FWB kinda love, just friends as friends kinda love. And NOT the Free Will Baptists kinda love that E thinks it is either 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. 🙂 I don’t really have any sycophantic followers, It was a tease, a reason for people to say something, anything, trying, justifying it all, I don’t care why you follow me just as long as you all just see, I couldn’t make you do it, I love the crazy through and through it, crazy as fuck that as luck would have it, have for some unforeseen explanation decided that they like my creations. I can only thank you because you do it. ::drops mic::

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Well, I followed you from the comments you left to OpinionatedMan (I swear, not stalking you!) and I was not disappointed!
    Thank you for making me laugh, and have a great day!
    Greta

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I stalk OM Jason Cushman like a bad habit. The crave comes at me in waves, a bit like the nausea comes to him whenever he reads my posts. Nevertheless, he seems to be patient with my obvious affection. In a guy would totally buy another guy a beer without thinking any thoughts other than that guy is really cool kind of way.

      Like

  4. I stole the Kirstie Alley bit from somewhere. Not the flirtation bit, that was straight from the heart of Deon, because she’s lovely. The Kirstie thing, I’m pretty sure The Simpsons Did It (Southpark reference) in an episode with a gypsy…

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s