Not Going to Post It

So I was writing a rant yesterday because I was cranked about something that happened Sunday.  I walked away and reread it, and it was a complete waste of time.  I’m not going to post it.

Though I didn’t have a motive except expressing the truth, I thought about the audience.  Would they question my motives?  What would they think my motives were in writing the piece?  Self aggrandizement?  Professional hobbling of the competition?  It couldn’t happen, because I have given up all hope of a career in the field I’ve trained in.  Those doors are shut, fuck that, and fuck me because I can’t get a foot in the door and I’m not sure I’d be as happy now as I used to be when my foot was in the door.  I did it for years, underpaid, underappreciated, and never could climb up the ladder to making actual money doing it.  Fuck me, it’s the same as what I do now!  Just not directly in the field of my training.  So this person has a job doing what he does, in the field of my training, I admit I’m jealous and wonder how the fuck he got his foot in the door paying his bills doing what I trained to do that I can’t.  He did something I felt was completely wrong, so what was I to do?

I gently emailed the person I was upset about it, told them what they did and that I and others were offended by it.  The person emailed me back a kind of half-assed apology and said they were “only joking.”  What did I expect?

A half-assed apology.

There will be no backtracking and apology to the whole group, only to me, and it’s half-assed.  If anyone else advised him the same, they’ll get the same.  It’s a matter of the offender’s professionalism.

I wish I could climb the ladder to success, and piss people off along the way and give a half assed apology and get by with it.  But then I’d be a politician or an “entertainer.”  You know the one.  He isn’t any more “entertaining” to me than the person who offended me was “comedic.” If I tried that shit I’d be fired and unemployed.

I can’t get away with being half-assed.  Because although others are complete asses, right along with me, in the fairy tale that is my life, I don’t get to skate by and live happily ever after after being half-assed about anything.

And I can’t get away with being a complete ass.  If I could, I’d get what I want and care less about anyone else.  Instead, I genuinely care.  Fuck me for not being a psychopath.  I think it might be easier to fake it than to feel it.

I want my wife to genuinely love me, not throw me tokens occasionally when she feels like it.  I want her to just love me the same way I love her.  I’m not exactly calling her a psychopath, but I am attracted to her strength.  She expresses that strength by getting what she wants, and then some.  But despite all of that, I still sometime wonder

Rex exaggerates.  He says men are honest, but we know that’s bullshit.  The apology I got, while in the offender’s mind was sufficient, was anything but.  He said it like he meant it, but I still feel that it’s bullshit until the whole group gets the same.  And even then I think it’s bullshit.  Men who have to apologize, and indeed women who have to apologize, after getting their way, are full of shit, because they got what they wanted.

It’s like a criminal saying how he or she deeply regrets doing what they did.  Well fuck yeah, you regret it.  Not doing what you did, you fucker, you regret getting caught fucking DOING it.  If you have to apologize for making a “joke,” it wasn’t a joke, it was an offense and you should have thought through it and NOT fucking said it.

And having ranted, I can only say,

I’m sorry.
Honestly.

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5 thoughts on “Not Going to Post It

    1. When I first wrote, I had too many details about the thing that offended me, and some other things I really didn’t feel like saying after giving it a day’s thought. It’s tacit acceptance of that apology, however annoying it may be. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but I wish when people did things and said things they’d be more thoughtful sometimes. In spite of the spirit of this blog being the unfiltered Deon, I still sometimes decide it’s a waste of time. Or I just lose inter

      Liked by 1 person

    1. if by coke you mean coca cola, I like mine with a splash of rum. but I don’t do a ton. If by coke you mean cocaine, not even that much. no, not any. one, can’t afford it, two, I know what it does to people and I don’t want the negative side effects. I meant that I was angry and upset and disappointed and frustrated and deciding what I had to to do, and I hate change so I don’t want to drastically upset my own apple cart (wish I had an apple cart). Full of apples. Plus read my poem for today and you’ll see the other reason for my frustration.

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