Abandoned

Inspired by a letter from father to son by Edmond Sanganyado
I love the spiritual blogs almost the same as I love any other blog that strives to encourage.  But right now…

Ndiri ndakasuruvara kukutaurirai kuti pasinei hurukuro motivational nezvaBaba vedu, ndine aneta. Colossians 3:21 “Madzibaba, musatsamwisa, kana vana vako kuti akaora mwoyo.”  (Sorry if my Shona is bad, I tried a translator.)  I confess My Father has left me feeling unloved, abandoned, empty, embittered, and very, very, discouraged.  My earthly father lately seems much closer and more helpful to me than my Heavenly One.

His Letter to me that used to sound loving and caring sounds empty and hollow.  I’m sinking under storm waves of hurricane-force depression again, my cries for rescue have been long ignored.  I know He knows what I need, and I admit, I’m alive and have been given much.  Still certain things that are bigger than I currently am cause me to stumble and doubt instead of responding with faith.  I know about Paul’s “thorn in the flesh,” and have been given several of those “gifts” as well.  (Is sarcasm the same thing as gratitude?)

There is no progress, there is no growth, and frequently I have no hope that anything will ever change.  He is capable of miracles, not that I’m entitled, but that He said to ask.  I imagine my feelings very similar to Mary and Martha at Lazarus’ first death, and my circumstances more and more similar to Lazarus’ health on that third or fourth day.  I have days that are all right, but whenever I feel that there might be an answer, that mustard-seed of hope is snatched away before anything really good comes.

IF, spiritually you’re thinking, Deon, you’re just a sinner and that’s why God allows your circumstance,  Thank you for your analysis, …what was your name again? Eliphaz, Bildad, or Zophar?  I will freely admit that I sin, inasmuch as it is the human condition and I make certain less-than-perfect choices in life like others do.  IF, spiritually, you’re thinking, Deon, “just” put God first, as this article borders on the spiritual I’ll refrain from expressing what I want to say to you, which is not so much a refrain as it is profane.  Similarly, if you’re thinking, Deon, “just” wait on the Lord, I’ve heard that forty-two million too many times to not hate that answer.  To me, that’s a useless, but scriptural-sounding platitude for “I don’t want to get involved even so much as to pray for you, may God bless you, now please go away.”  If that’s all you have, my God bless you, now please go away.

If the prognosis for myself is grim, how can I encourage others like I am supposed to? When I pray for myself it feels mostly ignored.  How can I tell others to pray when He doesn’t answer?  When I pray for others I get about a third of an answer.  How can I tell others He loves them when my prayers for them fall on deaf ears?  I have a friend who needs some help and I’ve asked God (and others) to intervene, and her burden has yet to be lifted.  And I need help and I’ve asked God and it’s only gotten heavier and more impossible.  I’m tempted to joke about God the way Elijah joked about Baal, at the risk of fire coming from heaven and burning ME up along with the other stubborn oxen on the altar.  How can I lead my family toward God when my faith is so very badly shaken?

I just need this circumstance to be miraculously resolved.  I’ve started praying for God to help me without hurting me, because any more, it hurts and things only seem to get worse.  I said “just” which is a trigger word for me because when someone says I should “just” do whatever, to fix myself, it makes me enraged.  If I could “just” fix it myself, I would have done that already.  But for God, nothing is impossible, so if He wants to, he can “just” fix it.  He doesn’t even have to involve any people in the process, it can “just” happen.

I would like His letter to His children to offer this son encouragement, refreshing, and reassurance that His letter is the very Word of Truth.

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