Duh News

I tried to write something worthwhile yesterday and didn’t get shit worth posting.  I’ll see what happens today.  Or maybe whatever comes out comes out.

I read a news article about some poor schmuck in Georgia who won the lottery and some assholes blew his door in with a shotgun and then killed the guy.  This is why the Lottery should provide protection, or allow anonymity, or both to winners in every state.  And this is why every United States citizen should be allowed to carry a personal firearm.  Because some people are just fucking animals that need to be put down when they decide to do crazy shit.  Like depriving a citizen of their “inalienable rights” of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

Are you listening, lottery commissioners?  Are you listening, anti-gun idiots?  The people who did the shotgun thing wouldn’t have been deprived of their wrongs to have a shotgun, even in a place that says people don’t have rights and can’t have guns, because if they’re criminals they’d have gotten one illegally.  If I won, lesson learned, 1) I’d hide somewhere quiet and isolated and stay quietly hidden, and 2) I’d arm myself.  And consider having my name legally changed.  There’s a thought:  what name would I choose if I won the lottery?  What name would you choose?  We’ll have to keep our aliases secret.

I saw another news article about Michael Bloomberg, who may run for president.  Why the hell do these billionaires want to buy a ticket to the White House?  I can think of much better, much quieter, things to do with a few billion.  Mike, there, has assets of an estimated net between $36 and $41 Billion.  And the other scary question is, what would they do to help poor people when they get into office?  Answer:  Same thing they’ve done all their lives. According to Wikipedia, Bloomberg has donated an estimated $1.8B to various charities.”  Not a bad record, although I’d be more impressed if that number was between $3B and $4B. Or more, since those are present assets, not income.  Not that I’d measure up to my own expectation, unless I were really financially set at complete liberty to do what I really wanted to with money.  He seems practical and good with money, for sure.  But I’m still not sure about how he feels about common people, considering his waffled stance on certain criminalized behaviors, and I think you know what I mean.

“The Donald” has about a tenth of that, at $4 and a half Billion in current assets.  His charitable work on “Celebrity Apprentice” is commendable, although he drew a substantial salary from the network, and the contestants raised funds, as opposed to Trump making donations himself.  One can’t presume Mr. Trump is not privately charitable, presuming that his financial statements are private.  But he has made several statements that really marginalized certain groups of people, which raise serious questions about how he feels about common people who might not fall under the umbrellas of his favorite charities.  It’s also possible Trump may have been financially disadvantaged more than Bloomberg, since Bloomberg has only had one divorce compared to Trump’s two.  Having your assets split once is uncomfortable enough, imagine it happening twice and having to start over each time.

Look carefully at what the candidates have done and decide if you want more of the same going on in the country.  Vote for the ones you have evidence of doing what you would want to have done, on a bigger scale, because that’s what will happen.  I hear of candidates, rumors of scandals, grand foolishness, cover-ups, etc.  I guarantee you we will only see more of the same things that they’re already doing or have already done.

If I did win it big, where would we move?  Where would you move?  I wonder how isolated I can be and not set off the “He’s-Loco” Radars.  Like the unabomber or the cults or the occupiers or whatever other gun-toting crazies or secessionist groups might be out there in Oklahoma or Montana or Arkansas.  Because crazy as I may be, and isolated and gun-owning as I would be, I don’t want to piss off the government, and rich as I might be I don’t want to set off anyone’s “he’s-rich” radars and have the neighbors blasting through my compound gates to kill me or my family like poor Craigory Burch.  Where do “the Donald” and Mr. Bloomberg get their security teams?  One should choose wisely.  One also wonders what Mr. Trump and Mr. Bloomberg were doing that caused their spouses to make their exits.  And one hopes they have found whatever they were looking for and learned whatever they needed to learn from those failed relationships.

I think if you get a divorce, you should handle your obligations properly, and leave graciously. Leave, and live, so graciously, you make your ex look bad for leaving or asking you to leave. Take care of the kids even if you don’t get custody.  Make the courts, and the guardians ad litem out there, speak glowing things about you.  Don’t fight, don’t be mean.  Be better than civil.  Although, if you’ve already been bitter and mean about whatever is bad about the relationship, your ex has no reason to expect anything different.  Surprise your ex.  Surprise the courts.  Don’t be an ass.  Take responsibility, even if in your heart of hearts you believe it isn’t your fault.  If it is your fault and you’re still being an ass, well, you’re worthless and whoever you’re shtupping deserves you and can expect the same treatment (Ha, I said “shtupping,” and I’m not even Jewish or even Yiddish).  Whatever.  I take it back, if you’re an ass, whoever you’re shtupping deserves better than you.

I didn’t sign a prenuptial agreement.  My wife and I have an understanding, and a verbal contract I spoke into existence.  I sign the checks over (via direct deposit) and she spends them.  I’m hers, what’s mine is hers, and what’s hers is hers.  We discuss any major expenses, and a few minor ones.  This weekend I wanted fried chicken, and she went to an overpriced place and got a little chicken for a lot of money.  It was good, but I felt she paid too much and got too little.  She felt bad when I said something, and then I felt bad.  She won’t go back to this fried chicken distributor, which I won’t mention by name, unless there’s a significant coupon involved.  I’m sure she’ll find another fried chicken distributor to visit, because I do love it.  And, venture capitalism isn’t all bad, but I’ll just say that when you already charge too much for chicken meal, you shouldn’t charge extra to get a drink with your meal.  It should be included in the price.

I’m hyper-conservative financially.  I might go out to lunch once in a blue moon.  Or in a leap year.  Its’ frequency is somewhere between the frequency of those kinds of events.  And what will I do if I come into money?  The same things I’ve done all along, or wanted to do all along.  She still gets everything, and I might go out to lunch a little more frequently.  I hope, when it happens, I do a little better than Bloomberg on my percentage.  But he’s done respectably well, considering.  Maybe he considers his ex a charity, which I bet would bump that percentage significantly.  I don’t read about him being a jerk, so there’s a possibility he’s gracious about his losses.

I don’t even think I’d be as liberal as either of these guys:


I’m so conservative I believe it’s true, “it’s cheaper to keep her,” not to mention I WANT her, so Mrs. M., whether she feels fortunate or not, is stuck with me until she kicks me to the curb. Whereupon, I still want to wash her dishes and take out her trash and help her kids with homework, even if I lose out on certain other fringe benefits if you know what I mean.  It’s kind of cool realizing I want what I already have.  And if we ever do win big, Mrs. M., (not that you’re reading this, but) you’ll get a much cooler name than “Mumple.”  You pick it, I don’t care what you call me as long as you call me.  And I’ll have time to fry my own damned chicken.  I just want to add pets to our family.  I love you, Mrs. M.  Now and forever.

~Deon

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