THIS SHIT is why I should win the $700M lottery jackpot: because I don’t have time or money for a $100 donut. Pardon me for saying it, all you rich people who love the metallic taste of 24K gold, champagne and Philippino yams, but that is one of the single most selfish, self-indulgent, asinine ways to waste a hundred dollar bill. May I just politely suggest, next time you feel the urge to have a gold plated fucking donut, spend $5 on a regular, better-tasting donut and a cup of coffee, and give $95 to a homeless person, or a homeless shelter.
I understand there’s a difference between the $1 burgers at McDonald’s or Burger King, (both of which are fine when I’m broke) and the $6 burgers at Hardee’s or Steak and Shake (which are AWESOME) and the $8 burger at Culver’s (which is indulgent) and the other $9 or $10 burgers at great restaurants (which is about my limit, after all it’s just a fucking cheeseburger), and the $95 and up kobe burgers in NY or whereverthefuck one spends that kind of money on one meal. See also, the aptly named “doucheburger,” and others here: http://firstwefeast.com/eat/the-most-expensive-burgers-in-america/
OK, I’m reasonable, it’s YOUR money so honestly, and reasonably, I don’t get to tell you how to spend it or what you like to eat. But these kinds of over-indulgent things are not for me. If you’re eating a doucheburger you don’t need the extra $700M. I don’t either; that is what one of my friends has called “stupid money,” But I would love to see how my conservative approach to regular poverty would influence how I would handle that kind of financial liberty.
When I win, you can expect a few things, if I don’t die of the ultimate stress relief:
1) I will not spend money stupidly. No $100 things that should cost $5 or less for a dozen. No posh designer clothes. No $50 burgers. No $200 sneakers. My last pair of shoes cost $40 and I thought that was excessive. But I will buy a few suits and a comfy pair of slippers and some new pajamas- when I wear the old ones out.
2) I will repay ALL my debts, and invest in places that have helped me during this present season of financial difficulty. With personal, hand-written thank you cards.
3) I will have my teeth fixed. Not gold crowns and shit. That’s wasteful like a $100 cheeseburger. They’re just teeth. But I do need two extractions/implants and a filling, and they’re starting to hurt.
3) I will indulge family and friends. There will be scholarships for college for the little ones. There will be decent houses for my mum and dad and my sister, who’ve been living in sub-standard housing that’s old and in disrepair because they don’t have the money to fix them. I will pay off debts and buy reasonably priced cars for those who need them.
4) I will pick and choose my friends, not the other way around. If you’ve been distant for 5 or 10 years, you’re not a “friend,” you’re a “former associate.” You don’t get to suddenly re-introduce yourself as my “old best friend” who’s in need of fill-in-the-blank from your “old buddy.” Fuck you for thinking you can ignore me and then waltz back in because you claim you knew me in school.
4) I will invest my time as well as my resources: Some of this time I’ve wasted not getting paid at work will be spent not getting fatter. I finally get a health club membership and I get to go swimming in a heated pool every day. Some of this time will be spent writing my novels and blog. I will have a hard word count goal every workday unless I’m on vacation.
5) I will invest in certain charities that I have respect for already. I will personally handle any requests for grants. Or say no.
6) I will not buy myself a jet. A new car, yes. It will be a Prius that gets 100mpg (two batteries, check THAT out). And I’ll drive it myself, if I absolutely have to go somewhere.
7) I will fix my house, or have it fixed, for all the things I already think aren’t right about it, and then sell it and buy one with a basement and three more rooms: 1 is an office, two are for visitors. I don’t currently have a home office, but as a writer I’ll need one. Mum and Dad are getting on in years, and I want to take them in when they need help. But I don’t have room for them right now. My dream house also will be near a lake.
8) I will go fishing regularly.
9) None of my benefactors will know it’s me, except friends.
10) I’ll pick a pen name to write books under, so no one knows it’s me, and all profits will go to my favorite charity. Hint- I’m already NOT my own favorite charity.