What To Do With $700M: Ridiculously lavish $100 Donut Iced With Cristal Champagne And 24k Gold. Or Not.

Source: $100 Donut Iced With Cristal Champagne And 24k Gold


THIS SHIT is why I should win the $700M lottery jackpot:  because I don’t have time or money for a $100 donut.  Pardon me for saying it, all you rich people who love the metallic taste of 24K gold, champagne and Philippino yams, but that is one of the single most selfish, self-indulgent, asinine ways to waste a hundred dollar bill.  May I just politely suggest, next time you feel the urge to have a gold plated fucking donut, spend $5 on a regular, better-tasting donut and a cup of coffee, and give $95 to a homeless person, or a homeless shelter.

I understand there’s a difference between the $1 burgers at McDonald’s or Burger King, (both of which are fine when I’m broke) and the $6 burgers at Hardee’s or Steak and Shake (which are AWESOME) and the $8 burger at Culver’s (which is indulgent) and the other $9 or $10 burgers at great restaurants (which is about my limit, after all it’s just a fucking cheeseburger), and the $95 and up kobe burgers in NY or whereverthefuck one spends that kind of money on one meal.  See also, the aptly named “doucheburger,” and others here:  http://firstwefeast.com/eat/the-most-expensive-burgers-in-america/

OK, I’m reasonable, it’s YOUR money so honestly, and reasonably, I don’t get to tell you how to spend it or what you like to eat.  But these kinds of over-indulgent things are not for me.  If you’re eating a doucheburger you don’t need the extra $700M.  I don’t either; that is what one of my friends has called “stupid money,”  But I would love to see how my conservative approach to regular poverty would influence how I would handle that kind of financial liberty.

When I win, you can expect a few things, if I don’t die of the ultimate stress relief:
1) I will not spend money stupidly.  No $100 things that should cost $5 or less for a dozen.  No posh designer clothes.  No $50 burgers.  No $200 sneakers.  My last pair of shoes cost $40 and I thought that was excessive.  But I will buy a few suits and a comfy pair of slippers and some new pajamas- when I wear the old ones out.
2) I will repay ALL my debts, and invest in places that have helped me during this present season of financial difficulty.  With personal, hand-written thank you cards.
3) I will have my teeth fixed.  Not gold crowns and shit.  That’s wasteful like a $100 cheeseburger.  They’re just teeth.  But I do need two extractions/implants and a filling, and they’re starting to hurt.
3) I will indulge family and friends.  There will be scholarships for college for the little ones.  There will be decent houses for my mum and dad and my sister, who’ve been living in sub-standard housing that’s old and in disrepair because they don’t have the money to fix them.  I will pay off debts and buy reasonably priced cars for those who need them.
4) I will pick and choose my friends, not the other way around.  If you’ve been distant for 5 or 10 years, you’re not a “friend,” you’re a “former associate.”  You don’t get to suddenly re-introduce yourself as my “old best friend” who’s in need of fill-in-the-blank from your “old buddy.” Fuck you for thinking you can ignore me and then waltz back in because you claim you knew me in school.
4) I will invest my time as well as my resources:  Some of this time I’ve wasted not getting paid at work will be spent not getting fatter.  I finally get a health club membership and I get to go swimming in a heated pool every day.  Some of this time will be spent writing my novels and blog.  I will have a hard word count goal every workday unless I’m on vacation.
5) I will invest in certain charities that I have respect for already.  I will personally handle any requests for grants.  Or say no.
6) I will not buy myself a jet.  A new car, yes.  It will be a Prius that gets 100mpg (two batteries, check THAT out).  And I’ll drive it myself, if I absolutely have to go somewhere.
7) I will fix my house, or have it fixed, for all the things I already think aren’t right about it, and then sell it and buy one with a basement and three more rooms:  1 is an office, two are for visitors.  I don’t currently have a home office, but as a writer I’ll need one.  Mum and Dad are getting on in years, and I want to take them in when they need help.  But I don’t have room for them right now.  My dream house also will be near a lake.
8) I will go fishing regularly.
9) None of my benefactors will know it’s me, except friends.
10) I’ll pick a pen name to write books under, so no one knows it’s me, and all profits will go to my favorite charity.  Hint- I’m already NOT my own favorite charity.


8 thoughts on “What To Do With $700M: Ridiculously lavish $100 Donut Iced With Cristal Champagne And 24k Gold. Or Not.

  1. I was watching a show and this lady was bragging how her scarf cost $900…And all I could think, is wtf is wrong with people? Okay you have the money to spare, you earned it, whatever. But that much money for a bloody scarf?
    I wouldn’t shell out that much for a Wednesday 13 leather jacket with him still wearing it.

    Maybe I am too frugal or a cheapskate but if I had that kind of money…I really would use it to do some good. Like parents who have to get a divorce so their kids qualify for state health insurance as their combined incomes don’t cover insurance and the bills but it’s too much to get help.

    I would open a hundred no kill animal shelters.

    I would start a car insurance company that has a sliding scale based on income.

    Oh the good that could be done.

    Never mind that nine hundred dollar scarf. I can strangle people just as easily with the dollar one from Dollar Tree 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yup, you’re wicked awesome. I can buy you a lovely Dollar-Tree stranglin’ scarf and put it on the dashboard of your new car if I win. Notice that I didn’t mention my favorite charities? Because if I did, people might figure out it’s me. Can’t have that happen, must have the security and anonymity of my secret hidden bunker. Oh and the other thing I didn’t mention is that I’m keeping my wife. Very happily. She’s the best person in the known universe. But no one must know I’m Deon Mumple. Ever. ::turns dramatically, flaring $3 black-and-purple cowl, disappearing into the night::

      Liked by 2 people

  2. 11) I would not like to meet all the famous douchebags, I would not like to go to concerts just because I can, I would not like to buy one of everything for my entire studio audience. I would like to meet exactly three people, to find out if their celebrity status has made them idjets in real life, or if we could actually be friends. And I would not like to become famous. A friend who’s an actor, who pretends to be me, will be portraying me at book signings, or possibly me from behind my bullet-proof curtain.
    12) I would promote the career of one friend I dearly love, and enable the aspirations of two other friends to the best of my ability. Though we hardly ever talk, when we do it’s like we never parted, except for that whole awkward hugging thing at the start.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so on spot. People forget to be frugal even if they’re filthy fucking rich-unless you’re Bill Gates and are really a humble and gracious benefactor to charities.
    WTF IS UP WITHOUT A $100 DON’T?! For the love of all that’s holy I TOTALLY agree that’s an asinine waste of money. If I’m sending $100 on donuts, I’m buying them from Long’s (local bakery with some of the BEST GKAZED DON’T EVAH here in Indy)
    I should just get 1 ticket just in case. I’d pay off my debt, get my parents new cars and myself one too. I’ll buy my own house and help pay off my mom and dad’s and sister and brother in law’s debt, then help them ready their house for when my brother in law can no longer work from MS.
    I would like to rescue German shepherds and pittbulls and make sure my kids and niece go to college. I would then invest wisely. I may splurge on a pair of Louboutins and lasik and fix my teeth and my kid’s too. And help out BBFL. And that’s the only non family I will help. All those “friends” can go fuck themselves.
    And I’ll get that damn divorce! WOOHOO

    Liked by 1 person

    1. yeah, I bought exactly 1 ticket when it was sitting at 5ooK, now I bought 1 more ticket since no one won and now it’s 7ooK. EEK, I hope one of us wins. I feel extravagant having spent $4 on cold air and dreams.


  4. it’s a billion dollars or so now, and my list hasn’t changed. Why? Well, for one, I haven’t won. But I think it’s about where a person’s true heart is. I’d have to disappear for a little while and take an inventory. I still want to fix my stupid house. For all the things that are wrong with it, the answer is just tweaks, requiring money. The cars have got to go. Buh Bye. I’d fix them, and give them away, because they still run. But with a billion dollars, I’d disappear and find a secluded cabin on a lake, and go there once or twice a year so I could write and fish. And not tell the neighbors who I am. A bass boat, a 4-seat pickup truck, a grill, and a cast iron pan. And coffee. I think I’d be pretty content. Sheesh, have I spent $6 whole dollars on this dream already? That’s so extravagant! Slow down, Deon!


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