| fightorflights on WordPress.com

Source: | fightorflights on WordPress.com

This.  This exactly, is what I want for Christmas.  I want “the ability to deal with” “problems.”  I honestly don’t care if they go away, I’ve given up all hope of that early in life.  After all, I accept John 16:33 as Truth from “The Truth.”  33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

“Are You there, God?  It’s me, [Deon]… “(you literary folks might remember Margaret)

Ok Jesus, YOU have overcome the world, but I haven’t.  This shit is fucking overwhelming and I can’t deal with it, and I want to be happy.  I know we’re supposed to be “joyful,” I know that’s different.  Fine, I’d love a dose of “joy.”  To me, Joy is being able to trust that God will take care of me and carry me through the problems.  And I don’t feel that joy for a myriad of reasons. Most of them involve problems that I can’t deal with, that continually crop up faster than I can deal with them.

I honestly don’t mind the problems, I just want to be able to deal with them.  The bills.  The things that fall apart.  The doctor, the dentist (I’m at an age where my teeth are falling apart more pricey than I can afford to fix them), the auto mechanic (cars is at that age too), the plumber, the time I don’t have to deal with house things and family obligations.

And if I can’t deal with them, God who taught Paul to say “My God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus,” (Philippians 4:19) “exceeding, abundantly, above all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3)  then would You please “supply?”  Not 4 days too late like Lazarus and me where we need a huge miracle, but on time so it can just be your average, everyday run of the mill miracle?

Yeah I said “Lazarus and me.”  I said it because my needs are being supplied, it’s just taking forfuckingever.  I want times when I’m free from these fillings that are old falling out and teeth cracking, medical bills, mood swings, car hoses and gunk and rotting and antifreeze and tires, and on and on (and on) not to mention all the things I’m praying about for friends because I’ve all but given up praying for me.  So if you would, because I know you can, according to Ephesians, I would love that.  And I’ll tell everyone about it.  Just like Mary and Martha (and Lazarus) told everyone about that whole after-death-experience of Lazarus’.

Thanks.

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17 thoughts on “| fightorflights on WordPress.com

  1. I deal with things cos I don’t have a choice. What would be great is if my brain would behave so I don’t get “fight or flight” over every tiny thing, so I don’t have a great day and yet my mind is still telling me I have nothing to live for…

    A brain that behaves…I have a better chance at getting a pegacorn 😉

    Liked by 2 people

      1. wow, morgueticia, you’ve got the next million dollar products, only available on our show: the stab-o-matic, and the bedazzled, barbed-wired, slaughter-o-matic with upgrades for only $19.95 each. Operators are standing by! I just want one to slice bacon and butcher cattle and bambi for me. Kids love burgers, can mine have the meat grinder option? Do they come in designer colours, and if so can Santa make mine Purple?

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Sorry to vent, I’m just tired of the continual uphill battle that I’m always losing, every single day, continually, forever and ever, amen. It causes me to rage. At least thus far I don’t want to rage quit, as the gamers say. Not so far. And it always seems the answers to all my problems is “just” more money, which I never have. I try to boil things and simplify them, it feels most frequently that money is the answer. I know that shouldn’t be, but it sure feels like it. I even have a dollar number in my head that would say, “Ok, you can trust God again.” But … whatever. Maybe we can keep on praying for each other, just to have a different set of things to talk about with God. I feel like maybe he’s bored with me or disappointed, and that’s why he doesn’t answer. How parental is that? My earthly dad seems to be doing a better job of providing what I need, if I ask him. I wish yours did too. I just feel like I should be able to make it on my own, but I never have. When I get sick of asking, it just kind of lays on my chest like a boulder, de-press-ing me more and more. I can breathe, sure. Out. I just can’t inhale well. I’m really just sick of asking all the time and getting no answer, or a “no” for my answer, when clearly we need our teeth fixed and our bills paid. I started this journey thinking it was just that life was depressing, but it definitely comes in waves, and I’m definitely feeling the downward part. And I fucking hate it.~DM

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I recommend The Human Centipede if you are morbidly curious. It is icky but like a trainwreck, you can’t look away. Just make sure you have mental bleach and avoid the sequels. Those were too much even for my ghoulishness.

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  2. I just want out of the damn haze that makes me feel like I’m completely wrapped in bubble wrap-and i can’t even pop it to have a little tiny bit of joy. I am at the point where i hate people telling us you should be joyful! ‘Tis the season! Fuck you and your season. Come live in our brains THEN come talk. I me about joyful. BLAH!!!
    And its harder when your faith is tested-like yours is now, because then some feel as if even God deems us unworthy. Stupid stupid BRAIN!
    I deal with things when i can-most times. And when i can’t, i crawl into
    Fort Blankie and just hide for awhile until my BODY let’s me deal with the shit i can. It’s all a pain in the ass and I’m tired of being a fucking pin cushion📍

    Liked by 1 person

    1. hahahaha yeah I love Christmas but I hate the emotional expectations that ride on everything. Not “Stupid Fucking Christmas,” but certainly “Stupid Fucking Christmas Joy.” I want to bury myself in my books and my writing and fort blankie and a vodka tonic with lime. With a red maraschino cherry or two, because it’s Christmas.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There’s your festiveness-lime and cherries for the holidays. I want a LOVELY bottle of Macallan to enjoy because Monkey is driving me up the fucking cathedral ceilinged walls. I lover her but… SSSSHHHHHHH!
        Where did the actual expectation of Christmas go?? Oh yeah-over commercialization of giving away needless shit instead of celebrating family and faith.
        PS-Fort Blankie is cozy in a rainy December day in Indy. No snow and I’m ok with that!

        Liked by 1 person

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