I wish this were a funny post. But it’s not turning out that way. Today I was looking for a word that described my feelings that started with a “t,” for Tuesday, but alas could not find one or think of one until I actually started typing and fell on one. I started with tumultuous but today is anything but that. Seriously if the word I fell on had been sharp in any way I would have seriously injured myself with the following statements, but it’s not. Today is not “tumultuous.” Thank God for small favors. Today is boring, meh, blah, dull, tedious… aha!
Yeah I got jealous with all of the trying-too-hard-to-be-encouraging-and-inspiring-but-ending-up-being-tedious blogs. I love you all for doing them, and I’m grateful to see there are still believers out there for whom it works: You know them: Metamorphosis Monday, Triumphant Tuesday, Winning Wednesday… I WISH it were that simple for me but it doesn’t work: just think positive thoughts, simply ask the universe or God or whatever for what you need and what you want, do what you love doing and watch the whole thing fall perfectly into place, complete with unicorns farting rainbows and sunshine and other happy shit. However, It’s not. So I thought, fuck, none of this is happening to me, so why shouldn’t there be honesty in blogging: Moody Mondays and Tedious Tuesdays and Whining Wednesdays and PaTHetic Thursdays and Fuck-Me Fridays and Stagnant Saturdays and Sucking Sundays?
OK PASS on Whining Wednesdays, I hate whining. We’ll make it “Weeping” Wednesdays. But (whining) It’s October so why aren’t I manic? Or at least optimistic? I used to have such faith. I used to have such confidence in God, that He would take care of me through everything. And then came the doldrums, the sameness, the consistent supply no matter whether I worked hard or not, of less-than-I-need. Less than I need to pay bills, less than I need to fix things or replace them, but just barely enough to get by and still live in this neighborhood.
And then my wife started getting less into our relationship and more into whatever she’s doing which makes her practically pass out exhausted before I’m ready for sleep. I swear if the doctors hadn’t already given her a clean bill of health I’d think something was wrong. The passing out thing means nothing to me. And I mean “nothing.” As in, nothing happening. As in, if I touch her, I’m bothering her and not enabling her to get enough rest. Which again presents the looming spectre of less-than-I-need. And not what I asked for.
And then life didn’t change, for years, and I’ve been saying I’m sometimes feeling depressed because life isn’t getting any better. I’ve been saying I get more depressed because things suck. As if that’s not depressing enough, my daughter has learned how to push my buttons the same way Mrs. M does, only with even less respect. Unless she wants/needs something, in which case she’s all sweetness and delight, to which I’m supposed to just shift and return sweetness and delight. I’ve all but shut out my whole family now. Two down, one to go. Sadly, I still love them all and will still try to give them what I can. And my daughter is right, to a degree that my wife is also right, that I could expend the energy to try harder to be positive, to try harder at life, for the benefit of people around me, because hanging out with me is depressing. Trust me, I have to live with myself.
And then at church the Bible Studies I “got to” attend were on 1) how God is present and personal and cares about individuals- yeah I can see how He gives a shit, and 2) how we’re supposed to put Him first, while life swirls in the shards of what should be, bleeding, and descends in the dust of despair, decaying, and 3) how I’m supposed to control my fucking tongue. Yeah, mum, I know you’re right. But why bother, especially right now? I’d feel dishonest somehow, inauthentic. This from the Jesus who gave us Matthew 11:29. Since God is everywhere, must be my fault. I’ve moved away from God in response to these feelings and events. I sure wish He would come rescue me though.
But today, I zeroed in on one core feeling. I feel sadness, sure, but that’s almost all the time. I feel burdened with responsibilities, sure, but that’s all the time and overtime. I feel frustrated, but what’s a little helpless raging between friends? I feel abandoned, but is that really a bad thing? I mean, I don’t even want to answer the phone. I just feel tedious today, so that’s the perfect word. I’m bored with the sameness, but I’m afraid anything I do will just fuck it up worse than it already is. I don’t feel anything, but then I’m not sure I want to feel something. Will I do a blog for Weeping Wednesday, etc.? Probably not.
It would be tedious.