Can you hear my hysterical laughter?
Too bad, it’s refreshingly maniacal.
Recently I read the most hilarious article that said something about a prophecy found in Islamic texts, some were alleging it meant that Obama was the Anti-Christ. I wanted it to be true, or at least believable. The imam was in denial, saying anything that is purported to have been prophetic in Islam is pure guesswork, because we make our own future. I hoped. I hoped he was trying to cover something up, and that his comments were part of a grand conspiracy, because I love a conspiracy. I kept surfing. In the end I couldn’t find anything convincing, after searching from Nostradamus to Nineveh.
Then I read somewhere that the number of the beast, extended with extra zeroes, was the zip code of Chicago, Illinois, 60606. I thought, holy shit! Maybe. Then I looked up the home and office of Obama while in Chicago. The home is 60615, and the office is 60601 (the Prudential Building). Alas, Obama’s not the Antichrist. And he’s not the Lord and Savior either. Damn it, just when I thought I was on the trail of something good… I kept surfing.
I have a friend who wrote about Obama when he first got elected to the presidency. He was lamenting the way his church people all started wailing and moaning about this event because of Obama’s political positions. He said, wisely, that what American Christians should do if they don’t like it, was to pray. After all, as he pointed out, Proverbs 21:1 says God can change the heart of a “king.” Obama may not be a king in the traditional sense, but he is a world leader and that I think is consistent with the text’s intent. And, evidently either God intends to let things go as they’re going, or the people aren’t praying hard enough. I kept surfing.
Recently I read about the significance of the “super blood moon.” Now THAT was cool. I got to watch the lunar eclipse, which some said was a sign of the end of the world, or would start the end of the world, or some bullshit like that. My friend says that whenever he hears a prediction of the end of the world he knows it’ll be a while because no one knows. He also says that despite the dire predictions of everybody making prophecies, the world has at least 1007 years left. You’ll have to ask him, or figure out for yourselves where that number comes from. I watched the last of the four blood moons because on a partly cloudy night we could see it pretty well. Plus, who wants to miss out on the end of the fucking world?!
I read articles about blood moons and read about people claiming that blood moons were significant for Israel. I haven’t seen anything interesting happening in Israel recently, so naturally I am curious to know how the current “blood moon” will impact them. (I cited that article because a commentator points out that the Blood moons appear to be occurring, this year, during Jewish high holy times or whatever.) I agree that it was “super” which means it was close, so maybe there would have been something tidal about it, but the only sea by them is the Mediterranean. I didn’t hear about any tidal waves. I didn’t hear about any important political events. I didn’t hear any more rumors of war than I always hear about, and nothing really momentous happened in Israel yet/recently. The next super blood moon is in 2033, and it’s just a coincidence that it’s about 2000 years after Jesus was supposed to have been crucified, dead, buried, and come back to life.
Obama will be 71 in 2033. Obama is 54 years old. 71-54=17 reverse the digits and you get 71. “He that hath ears to hear, let him hear… (Matthew 11:15)” 15+1+1= 17, . This year, the Islamic new year happens on October 14, 17 days after the Blood Moon. Just so you know, I’m just throwing coincidental facts and mysterious Bible words and numbers out to sound ominous. Or, even better, Obamanous? And of course if you think they’re coming true, this prophet is Obamanonymous. But maybe, just maybe, something is planned for the 17th other than a New Year party. I’ll watch and see.
NASA and other scientific groups say there are no comets or meteors scheduled for the near future. But maybe, in 2033, just to supplement the Super Blood Moon thing, there will be an impressive meteor strike, either smashing into the moon or hitting some desolate patch of earth or ocean. Or a really screaming-close near-miss. I read that there is supposed to be one in 2032. That’ll get ’em going all over again.
By writing all of this I hope to stem the tide of all you wanna-be prophets. You fuckers are worse than the ghouls writing about dead celebrities when they aren’t dead yet. Those articles slip out periodically and people think the worst, until the celebrity comes outside and says they aren’t dead yet. But about this Jesus thing, please, shut up already! Shut up!! Quit saying “Jesus is coming.” Start saying “When is he coming? I don’t believe he’s ever coming back.” Because II Peter 3 says he’ll come when people start saying that, and Matthew 24 says that if anyone says, “look, there’s Jesus!” not to believe them, and also says no one knows when he’s coming back.
Gentlemen! (and ladies!) Start your scoffing! Please.
Because I want a shred of credibility somewhere in all of these “prophecies,” before I go off and get the tinfoil hat and lock the doors of my bunker.