“Variety Is the Spice of Life”

Not everybody likes spice.  Some people like it bland.

I opened my sweet and salty mix, and I usually can handle the mixture of textures, but today i methodically sorted out the nuts and sunflower seeds, ate the sunflower seeds first, then the peanuts, then the raisins, and then the chocolate candy (like M&Ms but not branded).

I’ve been told this is unusual behavior.  Like sorting the package of Starburst candy or Skittles. Like getting a plate of food, starting at the 8:00 position and eating in a counter-clockwise direction. Like NEVER EVER dunking a cookie in milk.  Ever.  And I do all of this.  I have no idea what it’s called, but I’m sure someone thinks I’m a fucking psycho bent on some nefarious scheme (hehe, I used the word “nefarious” again).  But no, not so.  I just like to eat things that way.  Like at Thanksgiving I don’t like the foods interacting with other foods.

People can do that kind of interacting all they want.  Stir it up, that’s fine.  Since I hate all different kinds of people myself, unless and until you win my heart, and you have to earn it by not being an ass, I don’t care what you do.  Unless you are an ass, by which I mean, including but not limited to, a criminal (whether convicted or merely guilty, doesn’t matter which), a bully, or selfish jerk, then, I want you to be separated from the rest of us unless you can get along in a reasonably civilized fashion and demonstrate some basic manners.  But otherwise, I think you should be free to say and do whatever you want within basic frames of common decency.  As in, keep it at home and don’t parade it in the street.  I’ll do the same for you, and only gross out my kids.

We seem to have moved into a culture of being easily offended.  I can’t open my mouth for fear of pissing some random person off, imagine if I were a celebrity or some other randomly famous person!  Not me.  You have to do something big to offend me.  Like breaking one of the rules we learned in grade school  Be nice to each other.  Take turns, not cuts.  Don’t push.  If you can’t say anything nice don’t…  oh fuck that rule.  If you don’t respect me, then you’re not worthy of my respect, and I have no reason to listen to anyshit you say.  Those basic grade-school rules are big things to me, even though they’re simple.  But being human isn’t anything big.  If you don’t have any impact on me, or my family, do whatever you want within the law, as long as you don’t try to drag the rest of us into hell to keep you company.  There’s a lot of things people do that I don’t care about.  I saw an old film clip that showed Jimmy Stewart saying, “are they on our land?”  The answer was “no,” so he said “Then it doesn’t concern us.” (Shenandoah)  Look that movie up, there’s some wisdom in that old father character.  And maybe some less than wisdom, but by and large he’s right about a lot of things.

There are people who are, proverbially speaking, shitting all over my land.  There are law-breakers, and law writers, who I’d say are doing it.  My country is tolerant, so I’ll tolerate it, until they mess with my family, and then I’ll be “concerned.”  I like variety, but I prefer people who stay basically within a reasonable grasp of fairness, respect, reverence, and legality.  Those are basic things I value, that I believe everyone should be granted.  People who don’t grant these basics to each other should be separated from the rest of us.

Speaking of shitting all over my land, there are dog owners whose dog I’d leave alone, and whose owners should be shot at (not killed or injured, I just want to scare ’em, and tell ’em to get the hell off my yard when their dog does its’ thing).  I don’t want the dogs or their owners injured, or I’d have done something already about that.  Even if I owned a gun, I couldn’t shoot at them or threaten them or I’d be breaking the law.  So I do nothing and I end up with the plastic bag full of shit and nobody’s doorstep to leave it on because I don’t know which dog it is, when it happens when I’m away at work or the store or the church (yeah, believe it or not, I do still go to church).

I like a certain kind of variety.  I like a predictable variety.  Occasionally, even surprises are all right.  I even like spice.  My favorite is “Scary.”  My wife likes the show America’s Got Talent, so I am subjected to episodes.  It’s a variety show, so that’s sometimes good.  On the show, Mel B. works alongside a genuine supermodel, Heidi Klum, who is genuinely beautiful in her own way.  But to me, Mel B. wins the beauty pageant among the America’s Got Talent judge pool, by far.  There, Mel B.  I said something nice.  And now I’ll shut up because I don’t have anything else nice to say.


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