September 3: I have to laugh, however bitterly, just a little: (make font small smaller tinytiny) : ha.
I confess I’m feeling a little bit better, but then it’s September, isn’t it? This may mean I’m right about the period of my wave. I should have known this at my age already, but being your basic brilliantfucking idiot, I never tracked it. I only knew approximately. After four months of feeling fucking useless, I’m getting those glimmers. I’m not out to y>zero just yet, but not as bad.
I prayed for a few friends today. That made me feel better. And that’s a good sign, because when I am getting low I give up on praying for myself because that’s useless, and when I am completely low, I stop praying for anyone because fuck them, if God isn’t answering for me, why should I ask for anyone else?
I’m treading very unsteadily, because I don’t know if this is an actual trend, or just another good day that’ll shatter all around me and leave me treading the glass barefoot. During what I think was very low but about to break out, I had a good day here and there. My birthday was all right. My anniversary was ok, and then she says some shit that breaks me. I chose to let her be this close to me. I chose to let her feelings affect my feelings. And I suppose the reverse must be true.
September 18: I decided to post this anyway because it was part of my trend line. But my computer, or its’ operator, did something stupid and lost half the post. I don’t even remember what she said. FSM, I wonder what the fuck I said or did or didn’t do to deserve her saying whatever it was. Why the fuck am I so fragile, when I can talk so tough?
I remember that it sucks not having cash sufficient to do what I want, like go all out for our anniversary or her birthday. I remember that when I’m depressed, not only does my mood stink, my words stink, I stink. I love her, that’s settled. Still up for debate are a few things.
1) will I love her like I know she needs to be loved, speaking it in ways she hears clearly, whether words are used or not, and
2) will she love me like I need to be loved?
I’ve scheduled a few stressful days ahead, and after they’re over and done with I can schedule some rest days and just figure out time to just be being, instead of all the doing. I’ll be away from her, which weirdly adds to my stress cocktail. Speaking of which, I’d love a drink, just to break from the stress even if just for a short time. But alas, I’ll be deferring that until Monday evening at least. I could handle it better if the waves had a shorter amplitude and a diminished frequency.
Q: Does everyfuckingthing in my life come in waves? WTH?
All I want to do is hold her gently, look into those eyes, and see what happens.
A: No. Interruptions and distractions don’t come in waves, they are continual but appear to occasionally decrease at random or when one or two of us are exhausted. The odds of actually getting to do what I want, see above under (Q), with willing mutual participation, are inversely proportional to stress level x the number of interruptions. Which means, the answer is no.
See you on the other side of the stress-storm.