“Lies, Damned Lies, [Conspiracies, Rumors] and Statistics”

I love a good conspiracy theory.  UFOs at Roswell, the aliens are coming, the aliens are here.  US President [Insert Name Here] visited by aliens, Illuminati, Jesus returned and we all missed him, Miracle cure for cancer suppressed by the medical “industry,” Elvis is Alive (And so is his son-in-law Michael Jackson), Legendary man actually found his wife’s G-spot more than once after marriage (we all know that one’s got to be a lie), Government experimenting on children using school lunches, Wars and disease and famine caused by government and their lies to cover it up, etc.

I bet I mentioned at least one you’re curious about.  You might even believe in one or more of them. But I’m not writing about any of them.

In today’s “popular now” news feed for a minute this morning when I first logged on, and then quickly removed but still available to read, there were some amusing statistics regarding our US President, Barak Hussein Obama.  They’re just statistics about American’s opinions about him.  Frankly, it’s hilarious.  But I confess, I didn’t laugh out loud.  There’s a wikipedia article including the President’s own responses to the conspiracy theorists.

I’ve read and suspect, like a good conspiracy theorist, that in every tall tale there’s a kernel of truth.  And I’ve been taught, in a lot of old wive’s tales, there’s the possibility of a lot of truth.  But it depends on which old wife you ask.

Obama’s response to the suggestions about his citizenship is still something, shady document notwithstanding, that I question.  Obama’s response about his religious affiliation though, is pretty close to what I’d expect to hear from an evangelical Christ-follower.

Still, speculation abounds.  I’d ask his old wife if I didn’t suspect her motives couched in the answers she’d provide.  But what’s to happen in a few years, when no one cares any more?  What if?

Obama proclaims he’s a Christ-follower, but in his actions he seems to do things, in the interest of advancing popular trends, that aren’t in line with the main traditions of that faith.

From Wikipedia:

In Islam, it is essential that there exist harmony and concord between faith and deeds. Farāhī has explained this aspect in his tafsīr in the following manner:

Righteous deeds are mentioned in the Qur’ān right after faith in the capacity of an explanation … In the case of faith, the need for its explanation is obvious: the place of faith is the heart and the intellect. In matters of intellect and heart, not only can a person deceive others but also at times he himself can remain in deception. He considers himself to be a mu’min (believer) whereas actually he is not. For this reason, two testimonies needed to be required for it: a person’s words and a person’s deeds. Since words can be untrue, hence a person who only professes faith through words is not regarded as a mu’min and it was deemed essential that a person’s deeds also testify to his faith. Thus the Qur’ān said:O you who believe with the tongue! Believe through your deeds

Except I can’t find an actual citation anywhere in the actual Qur’an for that last quote.  I found it in Christianity, though, see James 2.  This Farāhī  is onto something regarding lies:  “Since words can be untrue,” though, you can call yourself a Christ-follower without even following very well, just like I do.  Or without following at all, like some others do.  I’ve known people who claimed to be one thing or another, just to increase their sales.  Or to be allowed to join a club.  Or to have sex.

Achmed the Dead Terrorist, of Jeff Dunham fame, “would kill you for a Klondike Bar.”  That one’s understandable, those Klondike bars are damn good.  And you?  I’ll let him be the judge.  Assuming another bomb doesn’t blow him further up.

I’ll leave the judgements and name calling up to you.  It’s OK.  I’ve been called worse than a nut before.  But in a nutshell, here’s a theory or a prophecy or whatever you want to call it:

::Puts on mystic headgear, Does NOT induce trance (because I don’t go for that sort of thing) ::

I foresee within a few years of Obama leaving the presidency, that he and his family will embrace the teachings of Islam and, while still advocating a certain limited tolerance with Christ-followers, will leave the Christian church entirely, after all, by his own confession he isn’t all that church-y.  The alternative to that scenario is that he will be gripped more firmly in the clutches of evangelicalism and go further toward…  naaah!!  (Although, anything is possible.)

I foresee a not-too-distant future in which Christianity is all but lost, and the world is dominated by other religions, the strongest of which is Islam.  Just as in other religions, some will be peace-loving, and some will be more radical in their adherence and practical application of their beliefs.  Or, militant.

I foresee, next, in a distant future perceived as utopian, that the above militancy will become the norm, and there will be a resurgence in the popularity of public executions for crimes or perceived crimes, especially for those who regard said future as dystopian, as it was during the French Revolution.  They won’t call it radical or militant.  They’ll make people believe whoever’s getting the chop did something really really terrible.  Like try to raise their children to think a certain unpopular way.  And it’ll be the kids turning them in for it.

::Removes pretentious mystic headgear::

If you’re around to see it, I expect you to say, “Holy FUCK, Deon was right,”  share this article with a friend, and then pray to give your soul to Jesus, find a Bible, and read it until they come for you.

I thought the statistics about what people think about Obama were pretty telling about our culture here in America.  I confess I buy into some rumors, and some make me laugh.  The statistics though, they either usually intrigue me or piss me off.  The most interesting to me, here, was the shift in some opinions of people who used to believe these claimed truths about him, but have now changed their minds and believe the conspiracy theorists are right.
He’s a fascinating man and I pray for him regularly.  Whether people love him or hate him is their business.  But me, I want him and his family to always be kept safe.  I once wondered about his allegiances just because of how he handled things as Commander-in-Chief, and how our ally Israel was kind of being ignored.  But I watched a recent tweet he sent out to celebrate and acknowledge the new year’s celebration for Jewish people, and I have to say, it’s convincing.  His message was one of peace, and very commendable.  So maybe my prophecy is wrong.  Anything is possible.

After he’s done being President, I’d love to sit and just talk with him, over a beer and some nachos.  I wonder if he’d have any words of wisdom for me, after all,
Q:  “You’ve just finished being the President of the Fucking United States of America, what are you going to do next?”
A:  “I’m going to Disney World!”

No, I wonder if he’d have suggestions for how I could steer myself in more successful directions than I’ve chosen thus far.  As a politician he’s had to deal with shitty, two-faced people who can’t be trusted, he must have an eye for that and maybe he could share how to figure out who to run away from.

I want to ask about some of my own personal goals and if he might have any suggestions for my goals to have maximum impact on myself and my family in financial terms.  And I also want to encourage him, because that’s the kind of guy I am.  I like to encourage people, because no matter how fucked up my life may be, I can pray for you and I’ve got a track record of those things being answered.  Not so much my prayer for myself.  But for other people, yes.

Plus, anyone who’s been the President has been on a hell of a ride and who knows, he may be discouraged.  It hasn’t been all bad, even though it’s been a rough go.  After all, look at the mess the President inherits and has to make some sense of.  It’s not ever pretty, and it’s easier to fuck it up than to fix it.  But there haven’t been any big disasters or whatever, at least not in my own life, during these 8 years.  Others may disagree, but I’m still the same.  My income hasn’t changed, my job hasn’t changed, my opportunities haven’t increased or decreased.  So, if that’s a measurement, good job, Obama.  It didn’t change under previous presidents, either, so they did at least as well.  But dear God, please don’t give us President H Clinton (even if her first name was Jesus I wouldn’t vote for her-say it so you understand the joke.  I don’t trust her because she was involved with Watergate and Bengazi and email scandals, and Bill.  Read some history books or something.  For the record, I prayed the same prayer for the Clintons back then.) or President Moneybags “No Ugly Chicks or Mexicans” McTrumpcards.  Not that there aren’t idiots on the other side, or people who(m?) I wouldn’t trust with my nail file, but these two fairly scream “don’t vote for me!!!  Please!!

As a further unspiritual aside, as if I were waxing spiritual, the only French Revolution I want to participate in involves champagne kisses, either with my wife or a certain special blogger who beckons to me from the edges of my weird adulterous fantasies (I’ve never even seen the woman’s face).  Yup, I’m a sinner just like I always said I was.  I’ll take the champagne kisses from my champagne wishes.  You can keep the caviar dreams, that shit is nasty.  And if I’m allowed a substitution, champagne isn’t my favorite beverage.  How about some whiskey?


2 thoughts on ““Lies, Damned Lies, [Conspiracies, Rumors] and Statistics”

  1. Duuuude, it’s no conspiracy. Elvis IS alive, I saw him and Sasquatch with a bong just the other day and Hendrix was there and Wacko Jacko was doing the moonwalk and…

    My mom fed me too many secondhand Enquirer articles growing up. Mocking it is my thing.

    Liked by 1 person

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