“I’m sorry,” said the fireman, “you’re gay so I’m not going to put out the fire in your house and I’m not going to help you escape.”
“I’m sorry,” said the client service representative. “You’re obviously odd in some way (I can tell from your voice), so I don’t want to help you. Please call a different company for assistance.”
“I’m sorry,” said the high school students, “you’re transgender identifying as female so the boys don’t want your skirt in their bathroom and the girls don’t want a penis in their bathroom. Hold it in until you get home, or wear pants, take your penis with you, and go to the boys room.”
“I’m sorry,” said the baker, “but you’re gay so I don’t want to make you a celebration cake for your event.”
“I’m sorry,” said the court registrar, “but the Supreme Court is wrong on redefining ‘marriage’ so we’re not issuing any marriage licenses in protest.”
The above scenarios are past stupid and treading into ridiculous. A fireman would just put out the fire, we all know this, because it’s a fireman’s job. But when you tread into religious territory, or unmitigated threats, real or perceived by a social group, you’ve got a hard, uphill battle to fight. In the immortal words of Frankie Goes To Hollywood, “Relax.” I’ve got common sense answers to all your sensitivity issues.
First, we should love one another. Because we love one another, we should be sensitive to one another’s concerns, and not allow one social group to walk all over another social group. We only win when we all win together. Second, I’ve got bills to pay, so pay me for my common sense, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness. Send those checks right on in. My bunker electricity, plumbing and heating, and my food cravings, aren’t as cheap as you might think.
There is a demonstrable threat having a guy in a girls restroom, or vice …versa. I want the poor transgender person to realize that as long as he has presumably functional guy-equipment, the girls are going to see him as a guy, a threat to their privacy as girls, and as a potential physical threat while they are handling their private …business. If the ladies are uncomfortable, and the kid feels uncomfortable using the boys room, maybe that kid needs his own bathroom time, perhaps in a staff bathroom if there are no other facilities available. It’s common sense and common courtesy, on the child’s part, to not presume the right to barge in on ladies who were born ladies, and use their restroom. He should understand and be aware of and sensitive to the obvious facts, and just pretend to be just like one of the guys and go in the guys room. It’s one stall or another, the stalls are the same architecture, design and purpose, just different paint in a different room. But special accommodations need to be offered if he can’t just use the boys’ room like he should, just like a child with a handicap or a learning disability needs special accommodation. Because I’m not sending a child outside to use the nearest tree or forcing them to hold it in for 8 hours. If I were a plumber I’d offer to install extra commodes, build dividing walls and knock out and install a new doorway in your school hallway for anyone who doesn’t fit, or doesn’t feel like they fit, the stereotypical “normal” gender set. And take all the money.
I’m a progressive-thinking theological conservative, really, no matter what you may think. I actually believe what the Bible says, Old Testament, New Testament, with nothing in between, before, or since. My interpretation does probably make most conservatives cringe with simultaneous thoughts of “damn, he’s right,” and “I can’t even…,” and make most liberals scared to death of me because I’m too conservative for their liking. But what’s happening is stupid.
I disagree with the Supreme Court’s thin majority ruling on issuing “‘Marriage’ Licenses,” but it’s not what you think. I believe they should issue “Civil Union Certificates,” to anyone who asks for one. “Marriage” to me is a thing you do at a church, for religious reasons. But if you want to register yourselves as a cohabiting, mutually supporting couple, for tax purposes and government benefits, you should get a “Civil Union Certificate,” from the court. Which means anyone should be able to go to the courthouse and register themselves without any protest, regardless of gender specificity or confusion.
Registering a marriage, which is a religious, or church, thing, in a court, which is a government thing, is clearly a violation of separation of church and state. This means, if you’re married in a church they should hand you a certificate recognizing your marriage by their institution. And it means if you register as cohabiting people, for government benefits and recognition, they should hand you a certificate recognizing your cohabitation by the government. They should be separate.
If I were a baker, I’d take all the money I could get and make the best damn cake you ever tasted and I don’t care if you put two tuxes, two dresses, one of each, you and your frog, or you and your computer, on that. I’m in a public business to make money and provide a product. I may not be comfortable putting your toppers on for you (especially the frog, Miss Piggy, because I am a conservative and I don’t think he’s really all that into you), but you’re free to buy those from me and put those on your cake, and put any ones on that you want. I don’t even care if you want to buy three or four or twelve toppers from me, I’ll collect that money and not worry about your “daisy chains,” or alphabet soup, or whatever you call your arrangement, because I don’t give a flying fuck what you do as a consenting adult with another consenting adult or group of adults.
Or farm animal(s). Sure, you can register that civil union in the courts between you and your cow. Why the fuck not? I’ll sell you a couple of moootiful cake topper for that one, and I’ll deliver it to the meadow so you can top it and celebrate. I’d even make an alfalfa and hay side for the bride and her family, and that’s no bull. I might even guernsey (go-and-see, not as funny since I felt the need to spell that one out) that ceremony, just because I’m cow-rious. But please don’t make the church give you a moo-riage certificate. They don’t make those. Yet.