Fucking Hopeless

I’m completely fucking useless at work today, and completely fucking hopeless that any of it will change any time soon substantially for the better, in fact it could get even worse.  I’m completely fucking hopeless that I’ll ever get anywhere and I’m also hopeless that I’ll ever find anything better than the shit I’ve got.  If I quit I go back to zero, and entry level bullshit and no benefits.  If I stay I have benefits and a crap job with a crap boss and a crap system that works less than half of the time, and expectations that reach the sky that are impossible to reach.  And my wife says I can’t find a better job because I lack motivation.  That’s probably true, but even when I am motivated, my prospects seem to all suck ass.  Masters’ degree, cost a fortune, fucking worthless to the idiotic job market.

And then my friend emails me she’s been let go from a job she would have liked to have kept with a performance review that was spun in favor of her ass hole boss.

FUCK.

FUCKED.  Fallen, Under Circumstances, Kicked, Enduring Downer.

It’s enough to make a person pray.  But praying for myself only makes me more depressed, and praying for her, well, I’ll just wait and see if that gets answered in human-reasonable-time or in His four-days-after-we’re-dead time like He seems to think I can always just wait for.

If I could sleep I might wake up and write something productive, make progress on a novel…but no, there’s a fucking evening thing with one of the kids I can’t just miss it to rest.  Am I tired because I’m depressed, or am I depressed because I’m tired?  Again, if either is right, I’ll never escape.

I just feel tired, exhausted, enervated, drained, stepped on, kicked, walked on, broken, barren, used, useless, worthless, stupid, fucking done.

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3 thoughts on “Fucking Hopeless

  1. The cyclothymic shifts suck just as much as the major swings do, my friend. One minute, you’re okay, then you get happy, then it all looks bleak and your mind frame sinks into the gutter…Yep, I go through it daily. Still sucks.Sucks sucks sucks.
    Double decker suck bus.
    Have a spork of fortitude on me, dude. You’re alive and kicking and while it may not seem like much…Up against that bastard mental illness…It’s everything.

    Liked by 1 person

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