Yesterday I snarkily remarked that the “ask and you shall receive” axiom for Christ followers isn’t always answered. But for the record, about two weeks ago one of my long-standing requests was finally granted. And last night one of my more temporary, some might say foolish, requests was granted, without protest. So today, genuinely, thank you, Jesus. Even when my heart doubts and gives up hope, truth is truth.
Timing is the issue. After asking and asking, it’s a little tiresome to keep asking. My timing is definitely not His timing. I hate to wait, and I don’t learn the lesson if there is a lesson. I don’t want patience. When it comes to something I want, if it’s reasonable request and the answer isn’t yes, I’m a 4 year old having a temper tantrum in the toy store. I still have a request hanging out there somewhere. It’s years old, but it’s not a “need” so I can deal with that. I’ve needed a tool for a few years, to help me make better progress writing, and I got that two weeks ago.
Things have changed, over the last month or so. I had worked hard over the last two weeks on some physically demanding projects, and finally finished a big job last night. I was exhausted. I was satisfied with the work, feeling I had done well despite my attitude during the project, and my mood in the recent weeks. When I got home, I altered my blood chemistry, if you know what I mean (here read: alcohol), and then was delighted when she further altered my blood chemistry, if you know what I mean (I’ll let you ruminate on the possibilities). And so it was that last night I finally slept through the night, and was conscious at 6:00 A M and then again at 7:25, when I absolutely had to leave for the office.
So, what made the change? Was it finally being unburdened of these projects, with the feeling I had finished well? Was it exhaustion that finally forced me to let go of something spiritual or emotional I was holding on to? Was it just that in God’s timing, it was time for some “yes” answers instead of the “wait” that I hate so well? Was it the alterations of blood chemistry, is that really all it takes? Alcohol and favorable treatment? Or is it an early shift of cyclothymia that has me feeling like I’m finally on an up-swing? Or is it really time and I wasn’t paying attention? Or a combination of things? Or is this a quick episode, and will I crash again shortly?
From last year’s trend line I shouldn’t be out and up again until late August or early September if I remember it correctly, but I didn’t write it down last year so that’s my fault. I just remember being severely depressed in the mid-to-late summer and it didn’t break for a long, long, long time. And remember how much I love waiting for answers to prayer. If this is something spiritual then still, in my humble, fallible, human opinion, waiting sucks and I don’t think I learned shit about shit from the experience. If anything I learned being depressed sucks dirt and I don’t always have a rational explanation for how I feel, but sometimes I do and it’s because life is sometimes depressing. And sometimes, Deon, maybe you just feel depressed for no reason whatsoever.
I should keep monitoring my mood, but dramatically I feel kind of normal today, like things are as they should be. Also, compared to the normal crap clothes I usually wear, I’m spectacularly dressed today, since I have a date tonight immediately after work. She eats early, she sleeps early, she wakes
surly early. I’m a night owl and as far as I can safely be, a bit of a party animal I guess. C’mon hon. We’re not senior citizens yet.
It would be really stupid to learn that the lesson I didn’t want to learn was simple: Life happens, bad things and bad moods happen to everyone, it comes in waves so there are ups and downs, and we just all deal with them differently, and eventually, prayer changes things. Or the rainstorm passes. Or through hard work one can rebuild and recover after a tornado or tidal wave, but get ready because another one’s coming. Or yes, Deon, you were right: sometimes life is depressing, and it makes people depressed when life is depressing.
It would be really stupid if it were that elementary. There should be something deeper and more profound in going through this. Please tell me there’s a bigger purpose, God. And if You please, could I not have to wait for eternity for You to reveal it? Since You made me, You know how I feel about waiting. And yes, I know it’s not a “need;” it’s a “want.”