This challenge was brought to my attention by the queen of my champagne imbibition by osculation daydreams, the as yet sight unseen, yet certainly lovely and talented BlahPolar Beauty. Go on, click the link. You know you want to. I stole the idea outright and put it on my own blog. And she stole it from another talented writer, the apparently shouty, sweary queen of caps lock, SassaFrass, The Feisty. SassaFrass in turn, stole it from another, who stole it from another queen, or president’s daughter, or something, named Antoinette. And then they named the survey after the first guy with the stamina to answer all the questions, which just goes to show you there’s no honor among thieves or plagiarists, but there’s honor among thieving writers as long as one gives proper citation where credit is due. And also shows that whenever something is accomplished, a woman probably did it and a guy swooped in and scooped up all the credit and had the project named after himself. And, there’s two more links to chase like rabbit trails for the readers to get so distracted they forgot why they came here. I’m just passing along my own personal attention deficit, you’re welcome.
1.How are you, really?
I’m fine. Really. Or not. It’s possible that I’m fine, it’s also possible I’m worried that I’ll never accomplish anything I WANT to do because I’m so fucking busy struggling to keep up with the riptide of what I HAVE to do. I might be breathing, or I might be drowning in the seas of chaos and destruction. Or a miracle might occur and I’ll finish this and a couple of novels before I die.
2. How do you feel right now? What are you thinking about?
I just made my family some fried rice and ate some, so I’m feeling full. I’m thinking about whether I should be vacuuming or washing dishes instead of answering 100 questions and drinking my screwdriver. I’m going to try to do all of the above. I just won’t finish. Oh. I’ll finish the screwdriver.
PS. I didn’t finish, I wrote this the next day: Right now I have a bit of buyers remorse over the burger I bought for lunch. It was delicious, but now isn’t sitting well. But by way of balance, I just cracked my neck something fierce and it feels a whole lot better than before I did that.
3.What’s your favorite color?
4. What’s your favorite food.?
I like food, except shellfish and brussel sprouts. And overcooked spinach. Give me these and this is what will happen:
Now that I’ve gotten THAT out of my system, my favorite food is a good steak, or something else on the carnivore train, like fried chicken, pork, sausage, even fish.
But this…wins. Totally.
The link from Pinterest I stole this off of is connected to the picture. And what a lovely picture it is. Did I just eat two bowls of fried rice? I’m hungry again.
5. What’s your favorite dessert?
A good vanilla ice cream Or any ice cream, who am I kidding? I like a hot fudge sundae or cherry pie too. Chocolate is good. Is there sugar in it? OK, then.
6. How old are you?
49. Or 23. Or 139. Or 4, depending on my mood.
7. What have you learned today?
Some ass hole shot 9 people dead at a church and he’s still alive, confirming some people are animals who should be put down and removed from the gene pool to avoid themselves being a threat to others. Maybe the police should shoot him 9 times, over an extended period to allow partial healing in between, when he’s not expecting it, and keep him alive through each experience so he knows what it feels like and he can still make it to the fucking electric chair while he’s still alive, before they put him down like the animal he is. Fuck hatred. Sideways. With a large cactus. And from the above reaction, I also learned I’m a harsh, bitter, vindictive human being.
8. What was your favorite subject in school?
Lunch on pizza day. Recess. Girls. Writing. Geometry. And Spanish, because my teacher was a beauty. Damn.
9. What do you do?
I Dad, I worship, I read, I write, I play violin and viola, I husband, I love my wife, and my friends. I wash dishes, I vacuum, I do windows, but if you tell anyone I will kill you, or kill the character I wrote as you, in my next short story or blog. I professionally coach idiots how to do things they’d never be able to do on their own, like reach their own professional life-goals, and fill out job applications and get data about idiots, because they’re all “professional” and I’m “not” so I get well underpaid for the service of getting them all well-paid.
10. What are some of your favorite books?
The Hobbit, Conan (R.E. Howard), Tarzan (E.R. Burroughs), any poetry by Shakespeare, Dr. Seuss (did I mention I’m 4?) or Shel Silverstein, or Leonard Nimoy, anything by Piers Anthony. P. D. Eastman, the Bible, and whatever I’m going to pick up at the library next time we visit.
11. What are some of your favorite movies?
Rankin & Bass’ The Hobbit (did I mention I’m 4?), My Man Godfrey, the recent Lord of the Rings, Vampire movies from Bela Lugosi to Blade, Star Wars, Star Trek, The whole Avengers series.
12. What kind of music are you into?
Easier to tell what I don’t like. I don’t like the weirder jazz, the dumber pop tunes, bad poetry, most of the shit they put on so called “reality” “talent” shows, stuff that’s overly explicit about sex, (please leave some subtlety!) or songs that use the word “fuck” a lot because it rhymes with itself. That said, I like funk and soul and even rap, I don’t mind the swearing if it’s not more than half of the poetry. I really really like Broadway and off-Broadway musicals, old and new, Metallica, classic rock like Led Zeppelin and the Doors, and Jimi Hendrix, Fleetwood Mac, Eric Clapton, Jim Croce and James Taylor, Punk old and new (Adam Ant, Jet, etc.), Queen, Ray Charles, Chris Botti, Ella Fitzgerald, etc., Swing, Dixieland, Blues, a few Frank Sinatra songs, a few one-hit wonders, Alternative Rock, Country ever since it discovered a sense of humour and since I learned what it feels like to be depressed, I also like some emo, scene, dubstep, Hipster, Christmas, hipster Christmas, Hymns, Celtic, Classical, silly songs, parodies…did I leave any genres out? Oh. And, my mom or Mariah Carey singing anything. They could sing the warning label words on the back of some poison and it would sound good.
13. If you were going to write a book, what would you call it and what would it be about?
“Tongues Ablaze” (James 3:6) or “Tempted of God” (James 1:12-14) and I think you can figure out what they’d be about. Trust me, it would be people doing bad things. Any buyers, or shall I burn the manuscripts?
14. What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done?
Leaving home to go to grad school.
15. What accomplishment are you most proud of?
My cooking and baking is pretty damned good. Overcoming some of my predjudices. Wait, that’s two. And, I actually finished grad school and got my Masters degree, not that it’s working out for me yet.
16. Are you married?
Yes, thank you God. She is so fucking awesome, when we’re getting along.
17. How did you meet your spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend?
Undergrad College. After a few months I knew she was “the one.” After a few years she thought I might be OK.
18. Do you think it’s better to get married when you’re young or better to wait a while?
If you make it work and make it last and marry the right one the first time, age doesn’t matter, but when I think of the sex we could have been having while I was busy waiting for her to decide I was worthy (I’m not worthy) I regret not getting married earlier.
19. Do you have any kids?
2 great kids.
20. Have you ever thought of adopting?
21. When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Rich. Apparently, I haven’t grown up yet. Happy. Architect, interior designer, music teacher or choirmaster.
22. How did you get into your profession?
Giving up on my grad-school aspirations.
23. Would you recommend your profession to other people? Why / Why not?
Fuck no, this job sucks. I only do it so I can pursue my passions of writing, music, and eating, and the more occasional hobby of paying bills.
24. What do you do for fun?
(just a few stolen answers here, but they fit) Reading, listening to music, (and some originals) playing music, writing, hanging out with my kids, loving my wife. Cooking. Watching Dexter or American Dad or Supernatural, or Doctor Who, depending on my mood.
25. Do you like traveling?
I love to be other places when I’m not at home. I hate traveling between home and other places.
26. If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go?
England, Spain, France, Italy, anywhere in the African Coffee Belt as long as it’s peaceful.
27. Who are some people you’d like to meet someday?
Tom Baker (my first Doctor Who), The fine lady I stole this survey from, who is just awesome, and Hayley Atwell. Did you SEE her on Captain America? And did you know she’s fucking SMART? Got to love a smart lady with a great sense of humour.
28. If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?
Don’t follow my example. Do better.
29. What’s one of your favorite habits you have?
(stolen answer) Bad puns. I LOVE to pun-ish friends and family. Once someone got me started with puns about bread, and I got on a roll…
30. What are some things that make you really happy?
Whenever my wife and kids are happy and grateful for stuff I do. And when my wife does special things for me. I really really like baking bread.
31. What are some things that make you really sad?
When my friends or family are sad. When life conspires against me and hands me a truckload of shit and tells me it’s not shit but I am.
32. What are some things that scare you?
Stupid drivers, people who hate me for no reason. War, guns in the wrong hands, poverty, especially personal poverty.
33. Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?
I like it when other people plan things out, or I like to be spontaneous.
34. Are you a religious person?
No, I’m a Christ Follower but I’m not “religious.” The “religious” leaders of Jesus’ time did some really shitty things, (like setting up Jesus to be crucified),and so did a lot of other “religious” leaders since then. (like the head choppers and suicide bombers and stupid pastors like Jeremiah Wright and Westboro Baptist Assholes, may God bless them all fittingly or change their hearts to really truly follow Him the way He wants to be followed.) Instead I just care about other people and try to be helpful and encouraging.
35. If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?
Jesus, Paul the Apostle, Shakespeare, Van Gogh, Robert Howard, Edgar Rice Burroughs, Leonard Nimoy, James Doohan, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Winston Churchill, W.C. Fields, Mae West, Eartha Kitt, …
36. Would you rather live in the country or in the city?
37. What was your life like growing up?
Fuck me. Trigger Warning? I spent a lot of time developing phobia of hospitals and doctors, for reasons I won’t delve into here. I was bookish and I still am
38. What were you like in high school?
Geeky, tried too hard to make friends with people who couldn’t give a shit about me.
39. Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?
40. What’s your favorite part about today so far?
Metallica is playing right now on my Pandora Mix. And I have reached question 40 of 100.
41. Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?
My parents, and my creative writing teacher and orchestra director in High School. All of them taught me a lot and kept encouraging me to keep trying.
42. What’s your favorite joke?
I’ll give you 2:
A rabbi, a priest, a shaman, an imam, a swami and a baptist minister walk into a bar. The bartender goes, “is this some kind of a joke?
A church’s bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren’t sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job. The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell with a resounding effect, and fell to the sidewalk below, plummeting to his death. Two guys were walking past. One asked, “Do you know this guy?”
The second guy responded, “No, but his face sure rings a bell.”
The next day, the dead bell ringer’s twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips, bounces off the bell with a loud report, and falls to the sidewalk below, dead. The same two guys walk by. The first asks, “Do you know him?”
The second guy responds, “No, but he’s a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday.”
43. Have you ever tried sushi? (Did you like it?)
Yuck! Waiter, can you please send this back to the cook to have it cooked for me please?
44. Do you like spicy food?
45. How do you like your steak cooked?
Medium, over a grill, thick cut ribeyes preferred, by someone other than me.
46. Do you have a favorite number? Any particular reason why you like that number?
42, honoring Douglas Adams’ genius.
47. If you were a type of animal, what would you be and why?
A lion maybe, or a shark. Something high on the food chain. It’d be good if I could be smart too.
48. What’s one of the strangest things you’ve ever done?
Starting this blog. But it’s also been great. It’s so out of character from the me people in my face-to-face life know. Fucking liberating.
49. What kind of vacations do you like?
Spending time in the mountains, or fishing, or reading and resting. In a hotel or bed and breakfast.
50. What are some of your major goals in life?
Finish two or three novels, and actually earn money doing it.
51. What are some of your smaller goals in life?
Fix the shit at the house that has fallen apart. Get out of debt.
52. What do you like least about yourself?
I’m depressed and moody and I have a hair-trigger temper when I’m depressed. I hate other people inasmuch as I spend a lot of time having to deal with other people’s bullshit.
53. What embarrasses you?
REALLY stupid things I did, said and thought in the past. I used to be even more stupid than I am now.
54. If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?
55. What’s your earliest memory?
Mom baking bread.
56. What’s the best decision you ever made?
Marrying my wife.
57. Who’s your best / closest friend?
A guy I worked with after grad school.
58. What do you think people think of you?
Who the hell is this guy and why should I bother? Oh, and the rest, whom I’ve bamboozled with my bullshit, think I might be awesome.
59. What were your grades like in school?
When I tried really hard I could get good grades.
60. If you could learn one random skill, what would you learn?
Engine repair or plumbing
61. Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
Introvert. Did I mention I hate people? (In person. Online, you’re all all right)
62. Have you ever taken a personality test? (How did the results turn out?)
Apparently, I’m totally incompatible with my wife and we shouldn’t have ever gotten married 22+ years ago.
63. What’s the first thing you notice about people?
64. Do you think people can control their own destiny?
We can choose some things, and others are chosen for us by crazy idiots who we have to share the planet with, and the ones we don’t choose predominately suck.
65. Do you think all people are equally valuable, or do you think some people in certain situations might be more valuable than others (say, a severely retarded patient vs. a doctor who could potentially save hundreds of lives)?
Everyone has infinite worth. I can’t pick one person over another in terms of value. Oh, and chemically we might be worth a few bucks.
66. Do you think people are basically bad or basically good?
See 64, my scarred past tells me most people are in it for themselves and not for me. A special few are good.
67. Do you think morals are universal or relative to the beliefs, traditions, and practices of individuals or groups?
Universal, but I think people willfully choose to do immoral things all the time, including me.
68. Do you think God exists?
69. Do you think any kind of afterlife exists?
Yes. Because if this is all there is, it sucks. Plus, if there is, I win, and if there isn’t, I lose nothing. If there is and you don’t believe in it, sorry, you lose. I would love for you to join me on the winning team
70. Do you vote? Why / Why not? If you do vote, how do you usually vote?
stolen answer because it’s perfect: Yes/it’s my civic responsibility/none of your damn business.
71. Do you think gay people choose to be gay? Do you think straight people choose to be straight?
I think people are going to do what they’re going to do. Belief in an inherent sin nature means sinners are going to sin, and it doesn’t matter what kind of sin it is, we all choose some kind of sin. Including, or especially, me. Which is why we all need grace. Especially me.
72. Is torture ever a good option? If no, why not? If yes, when?
Never. Unless you’re a masochist, who’s into that sort of thing…
73. Would you kill an innocent person if you thought it might mean saving a dozen other people?
Puh-lease! Trigger Warning people, NO, I CAN’T GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN!! Just kidding, a little. Click the link and maybe you’ll understand what I mean. Don’t miss out, make sure to pull the drop-down, down, until you read it all. It’s important (to me). Any questions, feel free to ask. I’ll do the best I can. Or tell you I don’t know.
74. What’s the most money you’ve ever given away?
It seemed like a lot to me, but depending on one’s economic strata, it’s not really much.
75. What’s the biggest personal change you’ve ever made?
I hate fucking Daylight Savings Time. It’s an abomination from Jetlag Hell. Twice a year. Go forward. Go back. Why can’t I just fucking stay here? Or split the difference.
76. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?
Trusting people to be true to their word. That’ll never happen again.
77. What do you think would be one of the best steps we could take toward ending poverty around the world?
You can’t. But you can pitch in where you are and do what you can to help.
78. What do you think we could do to best improve the education system?
Stolen answer again: Pay teachers handsomely.
79. In general, what do you think about art?
Love it. And poetry too.
80. What are some of your favorite websites?
Um…this WordPress thingy is the only one I really like. I use other websites.
81. What’s the biggest turnoff in a man/woman?
A light switch. Oh. Or Selfishness. Generosity and encouragement (and sexy eyes and symmetry) set me off right, but selfishness sucks, especially when it’s with a blind sense of entitlement.
82. What’s the biggest lie you’ve ever told?
Once upon a time when I was poverty stricken and suicidally depressed, I found a leprechaun and he gave me his pot of gold. I spent the pot of gold buying a fishing boat and tackle, a pricey fishing rod and reel or six, and then I caught a fish that gave me three wishes. I wished for infinite cash, an adequate house, and a happy, beautiful family. He granted me all of these, and then I built a rocket ship and blasted hatred, war, poverty, disease and selfish ass holes ( I had them all tested ) into outer space. Then I abdicated the throne and shared with everyone so everyone always had everything they needed. Then I became a hermit, living in a secret undisclosed bunker with an infinitely stocked kitchen, near a lake for fishing and a library of my very own, and no one ever heard from or saw me again. And it’s all true. It happened just as sure as Cinderella and the Three Bears. (hush, I know it was Goldilocks, or the Three Step-Sisters, I was being ridiculous)
Wait. Is that a lie, or a “tall tale?”
83. What’s something most people don’t know about you?
I’m a complete idiot sometimes. I’m frequently depressed, and occasionally slightly manic.
84. What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?
I’m not ignoring you because you’re stupid, I’m ignoring you because I don’t have the energy to process that level of bullshit.
85. What are some of the first things you do in the morning?
Throw on clothes, pour coffee, go to stupid work. Or go to church. Unless it’s Saturday, then I might sleep in and make waffles from scratch.
86. What’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to you?
Bullies. And not winning the mega-lottery until I turned 49. It should have already happened, at, say, 42.
87. Do you cry easily?
When I’m depressed, yes.
88. How do you feel about public speaking?
It’s fine. I can even sing on stage.
89. Do you like to talk on the phone?
Hate, loathe, detest. Get off my fucking phone. If I HAVE to talk to you I might call eventually.
90. How many emails do you get each week, roughly?
Way too many. I have a [De te] key on my keyboard that makes them go away.
91. If one were to make a movie about your life, who would you hope would play you?
Who’s the hottest, sexiest man available. No, no. Sexier. …Sexier… Yes. Him.
92. What’s one of your favorite questions to ask new friends or to get a conversation going?
Why the hell would I want to make a new friend or start a conversation? I want to be a billionaire hermit when I grow up. Oh, all riiighhhttt! “Can I buy you a drink?” ::pours cup of coffee, offers it::
93. Would you ever sky dive or bungee jump?
Not on purpose.
94. Have you ever been in a fist fight?
A girl on the playground tried to beat me up. I stepped out of the way, she tripped, cried to the teacher, and I was the one who got in trouble. I don’t even remember why she started that shit.
95. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?
I impersonated a voice of a character on the phone when working in a retail store selling their books and videos and other shit, saying I was in the back room. The manager bought it.
96. What did you do on your 16th birthday?
I have absolutely no idea. There might have been a cake.
97. What do you think is one of the most undervalued professions right now?
Mine. I help people to get where they can make a bunch of money and I don’t get a percentage. I get an hourly pittance. I am worth so much more. Or, Teachers, we pay them peanuts and then trust them with the minds and safety of the next generation.
98. How would you explain your basic life philosophy?
Get it in writing or it ain’t worth shit. Trust no one. Give of yourself freely. Keep your promises. Don’t hate. Speak the truth in love, don’t skip on either. You need both in balance, or you and society will never improve.
99. Would you rather be hated or forgotten?
I’ll be forgotten AFTER the seething hatred dies down. If I’m dead, it doesn’t matter what you think anyway. Because we’re ALL destined for forgotten-ness. I’m a cog in a machine. When the cog wears out they yank it out and put in a new cog and throw the old one in the trash.
100. If you knew you would die tomorrow, would you feel cheated today?
Inasmuch as it would be nice to write those novels, yes. But inasmuch as I follow The King (with a tattoo on his thigh no less, how cool is THAT ?), NO.