Now appearing LIVE and in person from his hidden bunker’s stage, Deon Mumple. (Well deserved catcalls, jeers and derisive verbiage commences from the audience, and flying tomatoes, eggs, and half-empty beer bottles smash into the chicken wire.)
I know you have an idea of what I look like, and I want to tell you you’ve got it right. I look exactly like you think I do. There’s a very good reason I only communicate from my undisclosed location.
You’ve probably seen the video of the song Online by Brad Paisley, Chris Dubois and Kelley Lovelace. I just want to put all those rumors to rest. I am not cooler online than I am in real life. Online, I’m a married mouse of a man, in my 40s, not quite enough over six feet tall to accommodate my poorly muscled, well-marbled, two hundred thirty five or so pounds. Online, the hair in my beard is turning white, with either wisdom or a vitamin B-12 deficiency. Online, I’ve never traveled very far for very long and I like staying close to home. Online I hate everyone equally, and online I lie every day.
Online I’m a student of the Bible even though I’m sweary. I’ll tell you you’re an ass hole and then tell you how God says you can live better and be less of an ass hole. But online, I don’t give a rats rip what you do in real life, as long as, in real life, you stay the fuck away from me and mine while you’re doing it. Yeah, ever seen those famous last words videos? “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Whereupon the ignorant savage ends his own existence in an explosive display of not paying attention to the laws of nature and natural consequences. Unless it’s fun. I can even answer questions, but the answers will be my seminary-educated interpretations, and they’re sometimes going to disagree with your swiftly formed illiterate opinions, the opinions of your religiously applied misinterpretations, and even possibly the opinions of your local church deaconate or seminary-educated pastors. I’m not saying your pastor gets it wrong, I have no idea. But If you’ve never read it and only formed knee-jerk, socially acceptable bullshit opinions, shut the fuck up and listen to someone who’s read it, even if that someone isn’t me. But follow the links, you’ll see the texts with your own eyes. Online, I have everything and nothing to hide and everything and nothing to prove.
I probably don’t love you, but I believe God does. I’ll never understand. I don’t even understand how He loves me, and I’m frequently upset about some of the ways He shows it (or doesn’t show it). If only other people did what I said in real life. My life would be so much easier. If only I took my own advise in real life, my life might be easier. Or not. In real life I’m occasionally, and occasionally frequently, a jerk.
Online, no one really knows anything about the real me. The real me might not even exist, except as someone or something you’ve imagined, you creative lovely creatures, you. My real name might be Deon Mumple, or it might be Jesus Marion Joseph, or maybe Stu Padasso. I also like Scott Sean Deroques, which I stole from that list linked to Stu, and made it more French. Jesus Marion Joseph is funny if you know someone who always says it. I know someone who says it a lot. My own mum. It’s blasphemy, but whatever relieves your stress in a healthy way. I haven’t seen lightning bolts from heaven strike anyone dead for blasphemy in a long time. It’s called “God is being merciful.”
In real life, I’m a six-two, blue eyed, reddish-brown haired roaring lion who breathes fire, farts lightning bolts, and drinks vodka all at the same time. In real life, I’m a fucking sexy beast who brings it home every night wrapped in ribbons and bows and flowers. In real life I can charm the socks off anyone I choose, just by looking deep into their eyes, smiling disarmingly and saying, “tell me what you think.” And then, just listening. Oh, yeah, I’m the smoothest talker you ever heard. I’m fucking irresistible. In real life they tell me I should be on radio or TV.
Online, until I figure you out, I’ll hide my true feelings behind being so nice you’ll never know I hate you, but I’ll be honest enough to call you a fucking idiot if I think you are one. In real life, I might flip you the bird just for staring at me too long. Yes, I really am this hot, deal with it.
And now that you’ve seen the real, live, Deon Mumple, or whatever the hell his name is, are you cooler online, or in real life?