If you’re any self-respecting geek you’ve read “I am not Spock,” by Leonard Nimoy, written when he was struggling with the strong identification with the character, and then “I Am Spock,” written when he embraced the character. Well I’m Deon Mumple. And I’m not.
I’m the real Deon Mumple, I’m angry and I want to scream obscenities at irritating people, things that go wrong, criminals, politicians, the clock at work, my significant others, “life, the universe, and everything.” And God. I’m the pretend Deon Mumple, my alter ego, when I’m OK. Because when I think I’m OK it’s because I’m ignoring the details, or I’m in an alcohol buzz. Don’t judge. A little drink helps the news not be so depressing. But today, I’m the real Deon Mumple.
~To those bad drivers, who are selfish and inconsiderate: Fuck You AND the horse(s) you rode in on.
~To the criminals, who steal and cheat their way through life, whether they’ve been caught or not, who feel their mission in life is to coast through and take everything my neighbors and I have been working hard for: Fuck you, prison style, and fuck your entitlement mentality. You don’t deserve everything on a silver platter, life doesn’t work that way and you shouldn’t try to force it to. Try moving to an underprivileged country where people actually have to work for a living and learn from them.
~To the police who are bad eggs: See above, you are no better than the criminals and you should get what is coming to you, as above. This murdering and mistreatment of “suspects,” especially when they are unarmed, must stop. And to the police who are good, thank you sincerely for your service.
~To the politicians who lie to get into office, lie while they’re in office, and cheat people out of things they’ve worked for and earned, pass laws that are ignorant and unhelpful, do as little as possible and immediately step up to take credit that isn’t due when something others work for goes right: Fuck you. Sideways. And then, Fuck you, prison style.
~To the clock at work, that goes fast when it’s time to take a break, and moves slow whenever I’m working and wish I was at home: Fuck you.
~To my employers, who criticize my work even though the metrics are OK and the customer reviews are golden, just enough to turn down the promotion I asked for, so you can keep underpaying me just enough I wonder whether I could really find a better job quick enough to stay on my feet or whether it’s better to stay here: Fuck you and your lies I’m supposed to accept as “truth.”
~To my significant other, who takes everything I do for granted and says it’s not enough, who makes me feel like I’m at work getting another performance review as described above and denied “advancement.” Sometimes it’s good, but sometimes you really piss me off. I want what I want in exchange for everything I put into the relationship, especially when I give you everything out of what you want that I can at my own personal expense and sacrifice. If you won’t give it to me, maybe I should quit and find someone else to wait on hand and foot and backrub and other affections. All I’m asking is reciprocation, not anything above and beyond. Maybe someone else will appreciate me, even though I’m damaged goods. So far I still like making things tidy around the house, time and energy permitting.
~To death, inevitably approaching at life speed. Stay away as long as possible. I have stuff to do. Please let me finish.
~To life, the universe and everything: Could you just stop sucking so much most of the time and finish this season of suck and then send several seasons of it’s-Ok-now-you-can-succeed? This season of suck has lasted for an awful long time, maybe the rest of my life could be the it’s-Ok season.
~To God. You know how I feel. I’ve been told you are worthy of praise whether my life sucks or it doesn’t. I’ve seen the recent, subtle changes making things suck just a tiny bit less. But if you are God, could you please help out a bit more even than recently? I know you’re busy and everything, having a universe to run, and I appreciate the subtle nod I’ve become aware of. But really? If there’s a lesson in here, I’m too thick to get it. I haven’t learned anything as far as I can tell. Please just help me get it and move on, if whatever it is, is holding me back, because this part of life is just shitty. Please don’t throw me back into the worse-than-shitty again, that was waaay too hard. Oh, and $420M after taxes would take me a long way away from shitty, if you could manage. Since you have everything it doesn’t seem like that much to ask. And thank you for the present lesson if I’m going to learn it, and also thank you in advance for the future blessings pending delivery, if they’re coming.