Damn those stand-up comics! I love them but they are stealing the grandeur of a well-placed expletive. FUCK! The New York Times reported it in a recent article.
Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE comedians. Lewis Black can tell intelligent stories laced with rage and expletives and common sense better than almost any other man on stage. And Craig Ferguson has perfected the art of the buddy-swear. He’s a genius, hilarious in what feels like a normal monologue, like he’s talking to his best friends, although there are 1,000 of them in the audience. He even addresses the friendly nature of his swearing in monologues occasionally, including “Does this need to be said?” He says some people swear because they’re angry, but when he swears it’s all just chummy, never intending to upset anyone. My favorite is Craig. He used to be on the “Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson,” replaced by some poor guy I haven’t bothered to look at yet. He swears so freely the censor for the show covered his mouth with a flag and would overdub some expression over what he really said, from the early “Ooh-La-La” to “Crikey” to “Whats-a-comin-a-goin.”
Cable TV characters are also famous for swearing, but I want quality, not quantity-leading-to-overkill. Who can forget the femme fatale of fuck, the mistress of malediction, the supreme swearer, the beautiful bitch of blasphemy (and here I use bitch as a term of the highest endearment), the divine diva of damn, Debra Morgan from Showtime’s “Dexter.” Oh My Fucking Flyingspaghettimonster. She is the fucking queen mother goddess of swearing. If you missed it, get the DVDs or watch it on Netflix. Jennifer Carpenter is brilliant and beautiful. Not to mention, even when she’s not swearing, the acting is fucking amazing.
This show opened my eyes to what swearing could be. Until Debra, I never heard anyone ever refer to a baby as “A baby?! A motherfucking roly-poly chubby-cheeked shit-machine, are you kidding me?!” I never thought anyone drank as much coffee as I did until she drank, in her words, “a metric fuck-ton.” And I never thought anyone loved coffee as much as I did until the character sipped a cup and said, “Sweet Mary, mother of FUCK, that’s good!” There were some other minor characters on the show who used expletives, and I’ll admit I was confused about one. I looked one up from Spanish and was twice confused because the term was used as profanity at least once, but then as a term of endearment countless times.
You’ll notice I don’t swear as often or as freely as some might. And you’ll notice there are some profane expressions I don’t use, and you should know that is by deliberate choice. I don’t think some expletives are appropriate. Or perhaps on some level I fear for my soul. You be the judge. It’s just me: I don’t favor blasphemy that references the name of God at all. I wonder how people would feel if I swore using the names of OTHER gods. I wonder if using them would be considered blasphemy of some sort. I’m just afraid to use a certain prophets name, or the god he wrote the book about, for fear of being beheaded. There’s nothing funny about getting a machete to the neck, or other death threats, just for saying a word or a name. I don’t use the expressions considered blasphemous from my religion, but I also don’t go around murdering people for using the word God or the name Jesus or Christ or some combination of those. So pardon me for objecting when people want to defend the name of their god or their favorite prophet to the death (of someone else). I wouldn’t give a seventy foot subterranean alien fuck if the death was of the person who objected, but no! They want to come after the speaker and end his or her free right to express himself or herself. I won’t be saying the “A” word or the “M” word, or even the “Q” word, you all know what they are, just because I like wearing my head firmly attached to my neck.
Imagine it! Someone says “JEREMIAH’S LAMENTATIONS!” And someone gets all offended, beyond offended, way past pissed off, and wants to kill the speaker. I mean, Holy Fucking Speech Police, what the hell is wrong with some people? Don’t kill me for THAT shit. Unless your god is a real pussy, he or she or it can defend his or her or its damned self. Holy Sci-Fi, I just envisioned a god that looked like a pussy and it would be monstrous, like some Lovecraft Cthulu myth, and it only ate the willing…
Oh, there’s an interesting option, using Biblical character and book names. I rather like “Jeremiah’s Lamentations.” Or “Sweet Ezekiel’s Angel’s Engines.” Because you just know that guy saw a UFO and some aliens or something, have you read it? Really. Start with chapter one, that’s some freaky-deaky shit. Figure THAT out if you can. There’s a fairly awesome, interesting article that goes into some detail with a scholarly attempt at dissecting Ezekiel’s vision here. Think what you want, but I don’t think he was on drugs or hallucinating. Or the old faithful “Jumpin’ Jehoshaphat,” that once was much more common.
There are people from the Harry Potter fandom who have come up with “Wizard Swears,” which are hellaciously hilarious. Wickedly Witty. It’s just my opinion. For the love of Gandalf! “Hagrid’s Butt-Crack,” to name but(t) one. By Elric( of Melniboné)’s Herbs, that one’s almost more awesome than a Succubus’ Suck. (I imagine.) I found another thread that has some funny ideas.
But SHIT! (how very common and mundane that sounds to me now!) If the research is accurate, when I swear for impact, it’s lost that fine edge for the greatest impact. I think I need to invent some new expletives. Or maybe we can bring back some old ones, or maybe I need to switch languages, but I think it’d have to be something uncommon. Everybody knows the more common Spanish or German ones, and maybe a few Italian or French ones too. Russian? Polish? Indian? Japanese? Mandarin? Swahili? Oh, Swahili would be funny. Or Igbo or Hausa maybe. (I’d need a pronouncing guide, phonetic spelling, and a definition or explanation, and for some idioms, an explanation of why it’s considered profanity.)
At the risk of inviting you to swear at me, and leaving OUT the more common blasphemous ones please, because who hasn’t heard of those, what’s your favorite?