I’m in The Wrong Line of Work

Clearly I’m in the wrong line of work.  I want a job where all I have to do is say nice things and then add a request for money at the middle and the end of my message, and people hand me money.

I think I’ve heard this guy on TV.  His name is Creflo Dollar, and he asks for money and gets it.  I wonder if that’s a birth name or a name he took, seeing as how he is in the business of dollars.  I heard the guy and switched channels because I hate the industry.  But come on.  I need this kind of cash.  Readers are shaking their heads and agreeing with the same wishful thinking.

If only I could just ask for money and have people hand it to me!  “Have a nice day. Please send cash and God will bless you for blessing me!”  I understand that ministries have overhead costs.  Staff salaries.  Electric bills.  Water bills.  Carpet cleaning.  Janitorial cost.  Microphones, other technology.  Music expenses, instruments, licenses, etc.  But really?  A jet.  Yeah I want some things too.

I want free time.  That costs money because I still have to pay my bills for water, electricity, gas, car payments, and food.  And then with my free time, I want to buy a camera and set up a youtube channel.  And then because I’m a musician and a writer in whatever free time I have already, I want the resources needed to create music, and to publish my writing.  You all can have a hand in creating the life I want for myself and my family.  Since time is money, and I have neither, if you send me money, I can have time.

I have these mild mood swings.  I just have to wonder if my depressive stage is sometimes, or partly, caused by being exhausted from having to raise my own money, rather than just asking for it.  And then when I’ve rested enough because I’ve let things I usually work on slide for a while, I have enough energy to clean the whole kitchen, vaccum, sweep and mop the floors.  If people just sent me money I wonder if the mood swing would just go away.  I wonder what annual charitable donation dollar amount would make that happen.  I’m willing to bet you that if you donate enough, my mood would level off somewhere high on the happy side.

Clearly, professionally, I’m in the wrong line of business.  Fuck it.  Folks, Jesus loves all of you and I need enough money to not have to work for a living any more.  I can’t hire a chauffeur driven limo, a chef, a nanny, or a housekeeper, because my budget is for a rusting old car and I have to drive and do everything for myself.  I don’t want an airplane of my very own.  Just a nicer car, wardrobe, decent coffee…  If you send me money, eventually I’ll be able to get a new laptop computer and I can keep sending out my encouraging messages.  I’ll send one every day that my budget is met by donors.

Oh, and I hear that some lottery winners say they had a better life before they won, and money has been nothing but problems.  Bull shit.  If your life was better before you won, you fucked it up yourself, and the chances are good it was fucked up before you won.  FOLKS!  IF MONEY IS YOUR PROBLEM, SEND ME ALL YOUR PROBLEMS!

I’m certain Creflo will agree with me that God loves you.  And I do to, as long as those donor dollars keep rolling my way.  And I’m also certain Creflo would agree with me that God would bless and encourage you if you send me (or him) a blessing.  He’s only asking for a few hundred thousand.  Tell you what, make us both the objects of your blessing:  I’ll split it with him and all the other overly perky televangelists too.

Hey, if I have time, I can read my Bible more and see if there’s a message in there that I can share with you too.  Send the money, and for every day that’s paid in full, I’ll blog a Bible message, or share one from another good blogger.  Nah, I’ll research it and write you one myself.  And it’ll be truth straight from the Bible or your money back.

I wonder if Creflo runs a blog.  And if he does, I wonder if he writes it himself.  Maybe I could get on his staff and write one for him.  I’ll leave off the expletives.  If you know him, have someone on his staff let me know where to send an application.


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